For many, the thought then became how will I continue to live. How can I make decisions alone? How can I raise our children without my person? How can I survive?
I don’t purport to have the magic bullet to make grief any more bearable. I know that even now, seven years later, my husband’s death can still rock me to my core. I know I will forever grieve his death; grieve for our life together; grieve for what can never be.
But, I also see so many in our community hold onto the death of a spouse so tightly that they forget to live. They somehow feel it dishonors a partner’s memory to move forward. Their heart and mind so tightly hold onto the death that there is no room for anything more to flow into their life – not friendship, not travel, not fun, not love…nothing
As someone who interacts with widows and widowers daily, please know that I have never once seen anyone moving forward with their lives and thought, “Wow! That person must have forgotten he or she is widowed”.
You won’t forget your spouse by choosing to find your happiness. So many of us walk through what’s left of our life feeling entitled, bitter and angry. We somehow think that the world owes us something because we’ve loved and lost. That people are beholden to us because we are widowed. The truth is that the only person who is obligated to cater to you is you!
You have to stop using widowhood as an excuse to not live your best life. You certainly don’t have to do something as drastic as going on a solo backpacking trip through Europe but you can attend a monthly event with the widowed community in your area. You don’t have to quit your job but you can at least update your resume and/or LinkedIn profile and start a job search.
Being unhappy isn’t synonymous with widowhood. You are allowed to feel numerous emotions while grieving, including happiness. Opening your heart and mind ever so slightly to allow something other than anger and fear is perfectly okay. Those who will judge you for moving forward aren’t worth sacrificing your peace of mind that comes with remaining in this dark place.
Remember, you’re no more widowed than the widow committed to making the best of the cards she was dealt. You earn no more widow points than the widower who is showing his children that there can be a happy and meaningful existence after the death of a spouse…the loss of a parent.
If you feel you can’t go it alone, reach out to a professional therapist, life coach, etc. Knowing that you need help is nothing to be ashamed of – ever.
I know choosing happiness isn’t easy. It’s certainly not done overnight. But begin taking baby steps. Find at least one thing to be happy or grateful about each day and build on that. Grief will always walk beside us but don’t allow it to hold you hostage from living and enjoying life.
Mom to a feisty kindergartener, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. She is the author of “The One Thing: 100 Widows Share Lessons on Love, Loss, and Life” and her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and Love What Matters. She was recently featured on the podcast, Moments of Clarity.
I’ve been soo blessed to have met a wonderful man who is a widower, but my adult children, one which is a doctor, 27, 23, 20 are making my life miserable for rebuilding my life, they say they want me to be happy but every time I make a decision or say something or they ask me something, I’m accused of being a liar,
I can’t bear it anymore, I can’t live the rest of my life in a corner of a house, night after night on my own, waiting until they give me the go ahead.
I’ve been stolen from, every aspect of my privacy has been invaded, I’ve been threatened, They spread a vile vicious rumour that Eddie and I had been together before our spouses died.
I’ve to hide private info from them, then when they find out they stop speaking to me,
If a situation has to change due to finances or in expected life issues, I’m a liar,
So sorry to hear that. You’re entitled to have happiness post-loss. Shame on your children for not recognizing that – they are old enough to understand. Would family therapy be of benefit perhaps – to help you establish some boundaries with them.
So true!! I truly believe all our walks are different and it’s not an east one . I have been in the widow journey for 5 years and it’s nothing like I could ever prepare myself for . Every year has new challenges and I have learned to ride the waves and not fight against it. Believing each one will bring me to bigger and more beautiful things.
Amen. Great outlook!
Hello, am a young widow who just lost her husband, I feel so terrified always.. Need ur support and encouragement.
Hi Vivian. Big hugs. It’s cliche but hang in there – you’ll learn to dive with and around your grief with time. I suggest reaching out to a widow support to help with that very raw stage of grief. Soaring Spirits and Hope for Widows Foundation have great groups that address it.
I just lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on 4 13 I am a young widow how and what do I do I want him here and alive
I think you should seek out a widow support group online or in-person. Hope for Widows Foundation and Soaring Spirits International offer great resources. Big hugs