First, I want to say that I love my late husband. This post takes nothing away from that love that I continue to have for him…6.5 years after his death.
Last week, as I listened to National Public Radio’s “Fresh Air”, there was a segment featuring award-winning journalist, author and widow Claire Tomalin. As she talked about her life and her new book, “A Life of My Own”, she pulled back the curtain on a tiny part of widowhood that is seldom addressed.
She discussed the freedom and independence that came with purchasing a car following the death of her husband. There was no discussion. No late-night chats to see which car was the best option. She simply decided she wanted a new car and bought it. End of story.
Her confession struck a chord with me. There are times, despite the aching I have in my heart for my late spouse, where I enjoy my newfound independence…where I relish marching to my own drum beat.
I was barely 23 when I met the man who would eventually become my husband. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself in his dreams. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t that my voice was drowned out or that I wasn’t respected; it was more that he was the big dreamer and he created a plan that involved us both working together. There was a place for me in his picture and it was a spot I was happy to fill. His dream eventually became our dream.
When he died, our dream no longer worked. The vision we created needed both of us – alive.
I had no idea who or what I wanted to be in this world. Everything I’d planned for the future involved us both. I was lost.
Widowhood can be a double-edged sword. It’s where you lose yourself and ultimately find yourself in the process.
Sometime after his death, I went from being tormented that I had no one to bounce an idea off, to feeling confident with my decisions. I no longer had to coordinate my schedule, be mindful of a partner’s eating preferences or anything else for that matter. I was an army of one and found solace in the fact that he was silently cheering as I tapped into the strength I’m sure he always knew I possessed.
Again, for those in the back: I love my husband. I will always love my husband. I wish this had not been the ending to our story. My appreciation of my independence pales in comparison to my sorrow and heartbreak.
My husband was spontaneous and seemed to be in constant motion. Since his death, I’ve grown to love the stability and calmness of my life. I enjoy the stillness and the predictability. I’ve learned that being still doesn’t mean I’m not making progress. It simply means I am establishing my roots.
I poured my heart and soul into making our goals and dreams a success. With his death, I’ve learned to slow down. I had to catch my breath. In fact, it was desperately needed in order for me to survive.
In slowing down, I had to let go of the guilt I carried for not pushing through to make our goal a reality. But I had to realize our goal was simply that…ours; it was not my own.
Whether you want to go back to school, move, travel or open a business, don’t for a second hesitate because your passion was reignited as a result of your loss. It’s okay to deviate from a goal you set with your husband if you find it no longer serves who you are post-loss. It’s unfortunate that our newfound attitudes, successes, independence, drive, etc., came as a result of a spouse’s death. It’s too bad that we don’t get to have all of this and have them here with us. But remember, you’ve earned the right to live life on your own terms, and unapologetically. I know the heavy price you paid. I paid it too.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and she was recently featured in the Moments of Clarity podcast.
So so so true! Thanks for sharing. After 6 years of widowhood I’m making some changes to our home- which now mine and my 15 yr old daughters to make it mine. I’m not ready to move but ready to make it my home with her.
Thanks, Carrie. All the best on the changes to your home
This is so great. It has been almost four years since my husband passed. I’ve recently started exploring how to make hope rise out of this pain, and I think I’m figuring it out. I’d give anything to have him back, but I’m slowly starting to see a bigger plan in all of this.
That’s great. It’s definitely hard to even believe anything can come of the pain but I’m glad you’re figuring it out. Hugs
It’s amazing how a single moment changes our desired future…
October is fast approaching, and within the harvest moon, the pumpkin spiced lattes, and another anniversary. A constant reminder of my husband’s departure. Every other time of the year, I feel capable to make decisions, make changes,and keep moving on.
A change of season, reminds me of the wound that hasn’t heal. The scar is there still.
I am rambling, and probably I don’t make any sense… the pain is like a bullet in my heart, stocked inside, it doesn’t kill me, but it makes life difficult to live…, and life goes on.
EC….your comments make total sense especially to other widows!! I’d be very curious to hear from widowers because things I’ve read since becoming a widow have been from other widows. And it’s comforting to know that others feel the same as I do, I hate the loss of my husband BUT I’m also very thankful because I wouldn’t be who I am today if he was still alive!!
I’m not sure others (that aren’t widows) will truly understand what we mean. It’s like we have to keep repeating “don’t get me wrong, i loved my husband BUT…..”!!
I just wonder how men feel because most of them have not or did not “lose themselves” in their marriage. 🤔 Maybe that’s why most widowers, I know, have remarried so quickly? Maybe they don’t need as much growth being single again!? 🤷🏻♀️
Just some thoughts of mine.
Thanks for sharing, Penny. That’s the exact reason I kept repeating that this post takes nothing away from my love for my late spouse. Some just won’t get it.
I posted on here it hasn’t shown up but as a widower I had to make adjustments just becuase how my wife died she had cancer so the last 5 years I took care of her and my young children and never had time for myself. But since she passed I have this sense of freedom because I actually have time for myself and I also feel guilty because the reason I can have time for myself is because she is gone.
Hugs, EC. The holidays are especially difficult. Be patient with yourself and practice lots of self-care
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Thanks. Glad it’s been helpful. Hugs on your loss.
It’s been three and a half years after losing the love of my life. I was lucky, I had closure and time to get things organized, time to spend with him and say our last ‘I love you’s’….I miss him every day and find it difficult to get a handle on life without him. It’s been a slow process, some days are harder than others…but I keep trying with my loving Bichon Lucky by my side.
I agree that it can be a difficult process even when you had a chance to say the last goodbyes. We just have to keep moving forward, sometimes taking it 24 hours at a time. Hugs to you, Diana.
I can relate to what someone said about making decisions and having our loved one to bounce ideas off of. I would like to be decisive but get cold feet. I’ve learned to sleep on it and not make rash decisions. Sometimes things look different the next day. I like reading what everyone wrote. It helps to know I’m not alone.
Great advice, Kathy
Your last three sentences of this article hit me I lost my wife to cancer she was the who was spontaneous and loved traveling. She battle for 5 years and in that time the kids and I made sure that we did everything she wanted because we just never knew how bad this could turn. In the last six months of her life she lived it to the fullest we took a trip every month we did anything she wanted. And when she got close to the end she was going to the doctor or in the hospital 5 days a week and with have 2 young children under the age of 9 my life was go go go and I never had time to myself. When she passed I was lost and torn apart inside but on the outside no one knew how I felt becuase I had to be strong for the kids just like I was for her. Since her passing my life has slowed down a lot and I finally have time for myself and I feel so guilty becuase the only reason I am like this is because she is gone. The same feeling I had when I made a bigger purchase o felt like there was no decision to be made I just did it but I all so felt lost because she would try to talk me out of things sometimes to. But on the other side of things I dont have her to discuss things about the kids and then I question am I making the correct choices. Trust me I miss my wife and love my wife more than ever but I also am getting use to the new freedom of my life and my choices, but there are times I feel guilty about how things have turned out so far and that things have falling into place and the kids and I are doing ok.
It’s such a delicate balance – the guilt with the need to move forward. Glad you and the kids are doing okay
Thank you, after losing my partner and just buying a new car and meeting new people and have fun and watching our kids grow and be more independent I’m starting not to feel guilty. I need the identification it’s important I don’t feel alone x
Good for you! The guilt can be so toxic
Beautiful said Kerry❤
Love this! I am going on 10 years since my husband passed. I marvel at the person I have become! I often wonder what he would think of the new me. My love for him will always be there but I do love my new life. It took a couple years to realize “our” goals no longer work for me.
This article is spot on! I married at the age of 24 and now 50. My husband passed after 24.5 years of marriage. Your individuality definitely gets lost. I am enjoying trying to find it again. But he definitely made me a better person and I wish for him to help me with BIG decisions.