I miss my husband.

Six years later, I miss him as if he’d died only 2 months ago.

I miss my husband on the most perfect of days.

And I miss him even more on my worst days.

I miss my husband as I snuggle with my guy on the couch while watching TV.

Perhaps it’s a commercial, a song or some other thing that reminds me of him…reminds me of us.

And, before you say thinking about my late husband while tucked snuggly in the arms of my new man means I am not ready for love, please tell me how many husbands you’ve lost.

Tell me how you handled getting the phone call or hearing the doctors say there was nothing else they can do.

Tell me how you made sense of your world changing overnight. How you went to bed as a married person only to wake up the next morning to have your relationship status changed to ‘widowed’ before noon.

Tell me how long it took you to let go of the suicidal thoughts…the urge to go be with your husband.

Tell me how you wondered why God turned his back and allowed this horrific tragedy to unfold.

Tell me how you barely got through the hours, days, weeks and months – trapped in those raw stages of grief.

Go on, tell me.

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I miss my husband even as I celebrate all the beauty that I know couldn’t and wouldn’t have happened had he not died.

On the days I find myself surrounded by my wonderful tribe of widows, I miss my husband.

When my daughter fills my eyes and heart with joy, I miss my husband.

As I acknowledge the bold, fierce, independent woman I’ve become post-loss, I miss my husband.

And, while you’re demanding I “get over it”, do share how you would have been a “better” widow.

Tell me how long you’d mourn life as you knew it coming to a screeching halt.

Tell me at what point in your grieving you’d get over the man you’ve loved from Day 1.

Tell me when you’d decide that the love you shared was no longer worth holding onto.

Tell me how you’d put your heart back together so tightly that the pain of grief never seeped in.

Tell me how much time is required to close off your heart, mind, and soul to the love that a spouse poured into you.

Go on, tell me.

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I can accept his death and still miss my husband.

I can get to a healthy place within my grief and still miss my husband.

I can love and be loved again and still miss my husband.

I can move forward and still love my husband.

I can live and still miss my husband.

I miss my husband.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a contributor to Open to Hope. Her articles on widowhood and grief have been featured in HuffPost and she was recently featured in the Moments of Clarity podcast. 

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