The photos you text me of your family photos truly does warm my heart. Though at times, if I’m being honest, it makes me a little sad for my own children. My heart bleeds for them that our final family photo has already been taken. Their father, once so full of life and energy, was determined to continue our family tradition despite being too weak from the chemotherapy to hold little Sarah in his arms.
Regardless of the triggers your posts and social media statuses create, I am genuinely happy for you. I am not bitter or resentful of your life. The life you share with your spouse and children. What good would that do? I don’t want your husband, I want mine back though I know that’s not a option.
It’s not lost on me that you don’t understand what my life now looks like as a widow. You weren’t there to hear my sobs or to watch me fall apart night after night. You weren’t there when my children climbed into bed with me every night because they wanted to feel close to their daddy. You know what else you missed? My downward spiral, the insomnia, the alcohol to numb the pain, the bad decisions made to combat the feelings of loneliness, the isolation, the abandonment, the anger, the wavering of my faith, the toxic in-laws, the fight with the insurance company, the defiant behaviors by my children who were left to mourn their father…you saw none of that.
I’ve earned my happiness. I’ve been through hell and made it out on the other side. My children have been through the worst thing that has happened to them and it will likely have rippling effects throughout their lives. My choosing to date or remarry and bring a father-figure into their lives in no way replaces their father. In fact, it’s an insult to me and every other widow who chooses to date post-loss that you even think we’re trying to replace our children’s father.
I’ve made the decision to live despite a piece of my heart missing. I’ve chosen to carry on, even when I wanted to give up. I didn’t close off my heart to love after he died, I expanded it. I can find my joy while grieving. I can love again while grieving. My opting to make the very best of each day/moment isn’t disrespectful to my spouse or our love. It’s just the opposite. It’s a testament to his life and his legacy.
I hope you’ll think twice before you feel the need to tell me anything other than that I’ve done an amazing job despite the cards I was dealt or that you’re proud of me. I will tolerate nothing less!
Widowed at 32 years old, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating.
Thank you for putting probably almost every widow’s thoughts into words. I was widowed at 35. I’m remarried and only 2 of my in-law talk to me and check on me and the kids.
That’s terrible. It’s truly sad that they are unable to see beyond their own selfish ways
You’re on fire, Miss Kerry, as usual. Beautifully written truths!
Thanks so much, Teresa!
Sadly this happens a lot. It happened to me and it does to many of the widows I work with.
I needed this so bad… I’m a widow my husband was killed in a car accident… he was 34 and I was 33…. I struggle daily with the fact hes gone…
really sad…..i wish god gives you the strength to face it..
I love you Kerry Phillips! You are an inspiration to us all.
Thanks so much! I appreciate the kind words <3
Thank you, so very much for saying the words out loud that I keep buried in my heart and mind…. people, I have learned, my own family, can be very judgmental, cruel, and unsupportive. This has hurt me beyond belief… along with the pain of losing my fiancé. I wonder often, what is my purpose for living???
Hugs, Patty. Just keep moving forward. Eventually, you’ll find your happy and your purpose again.
Kerry this was an amazing thing to share. I feel like I have thought every single word you wrote about.
I was also 32 when my husband passed a year and a half ago. I am now 33. I have three young children. This article was very uplifting and definitely gives me strength to keep following my heart and trusting my own decisions.
That’s the best way to go, Kristen: following your heart and trusting your decisions!
You stole the thoughts from my head…thank you ❤️
<3
This is so true. I have been blessed with love twice and will not let anyone tarnish it.
Wow, this is exactly how I feel! I am so fortunate to have so many people support me in my decision to start dating again after the passing of my wife. But I have also sensed those that don’t, this is exactly what I want to tell them. It takes courage to move on, God bless you!
Thanks, Bill. It absolutely does. It saddens me that so many would have to be put in our shoes to understand this.
Thank you Kerry, I too lost a wonderful husband, I’ve met my chapter two, (a widower).
God truly has pleased me by putting this man in my path but like so many others before me, beside me and behind me, I’ve suffered relentlessly at the hands of my past in-laws they’ve turned my children against me and encouraged totally unacceptable illegal behaviour and destructive behaviour .
Thank you for this how it is post. You’ve said what the majority of widows/widowers are going through. God bless you for being our spokeswoman. X
Thank you, Patricia. It’s so sad how relationships with in-laws can be negatively impacted. They get to move forward – despite their grief – but somehow feel we are not entitled to do the same.
My husband died last year. We were together for 29 years. I loved him so much and couldn’t imagine ever being with someone else.
Three months later I fell in love with one of my best friends and I felt like such a horrible person. It didn’t work out but we are still friends. I never told anyone about my relationship because I worried about what every one would think.
So well written! No one can understand until they have walked the widow’s walk and I pray most of my friends don’t experience it for a long, long time. Seems only other widows can truly relate to my experience and they seem to judge me less for finding new love.
A wonderful read Kerry.Its amazing how people can be judgemental.I lost my chapter 2and am just wondering what they’ll say if am to find love again.chapter 3.are there people whom you know that have gone through this?.
I lost #2 at age 41. He was a wonderful step in father to my daughters who are still struggling almost 3 years later… as I have found Love again at age 44. Girls ages 14 & 17 are a challenge in a supportive well running family…let alone the emotional waves that continue to crash into us. I appreciate the positivity in this article and many shared on this page. They have helped me accept and be thankful for the time I did have with my late husband.
Great read. Seriously, what is with the “outlaws??” I hate dealing with one in particular.
This is spot on!! Since being widowed at age 30, I’ve since remarried and had another child. I still mourn the loss of my first husband every day behind closed doors. However, since I’ve remarried most of my family now treats me differently. It’s very lonely and hurtful. Thank you for making me feel not so alone!!
Wow I needed this I lost
My husband a year ago and you took the words out of my mouth!!!!
Thank you for sharing. Lost my husband 2 years ago after being together 30 years..ready to move on but worried I will be judged by others.
It’s nobody’s business
I’ve been judged and it hurts
Like hell accused of dating a friend who lost his wife 9 months before I’ve walked by him as a friend and continue to do so! When people point a finger at u they point 4 back at them self i pray you find the right person
I lost my husband of 31 years about a year and half ago. About 3 months after he passed a “friend” told me I should sign up for Tinder. Another month later an uncle asked me if I had found me another man yet. Then right before the 1st anniversary of his death, a man I just met (my nieces’ father in law) advised me that if I didn’t take off my wedding band, I wouldn’t get me a new man. Why do people think they know what’s best for us. If you didn’t meet someone new those very same people would probably be criticizing you for not moving on. I just want to tell people, leave me the hell alone. Stop judging what you don’t understand! We are all different. We all handle grief, pain and loss in different ways. We all recover in different ways and times. There’s no wrong way to grieve. Maybe some destructive ways, but not wrong. Just whatever it takes for us to get a grip on this new life, new world, and then pull ourselves up outta the pit of despair and the horror of facing each day without our soulmate.
What people don’t understand is that you can mourn for the person while they are still alive. Watching someone go from super healthy to struggling every day is hard. You mourn for who they used to be and the relationship you used to have. When they pass you’re not just starting the mourning process now, to me, it was almost the end.
I lost my husband to his demons on 08/04/2018, just over a month ago. He was 33 and I’m 32, I’m terrified of what to do next.
Another excellent piece that cuts through the surface of the nicey-nicey box that people want to shove us into. Well done, Kerry!
This is spot on Kerry!! ❤️
<3
God made us to want a helpmate. He designed us to be in a partnership. And not everyone finds it. I think people have to stop being so judgemental. I mean think about it Biblically and how back in biblical times we had Kinsman redeemers who married their dead brother’s spouses to give them a name, protection and also offspring. And often times there was no long mourning period. Sure today we may not be in any apparent danger as modern women, but they are still taken advantage of. It’s really not anyone’s business but the families involved. An elderly friend of mine, her son lost his wife in a tragic car accident and he got remarried about 6-8 months after losing his wife of many years. She was not after his money, they happened to meet, fell in love and got married. I wonder though if he was criticized, being in his mid 60’s and then marrying again so soon. But as adults we are allowed to pick and choose and make our own mistakes. It is key to not make rash decisions when in the midst of grief.
I agree also about not making rash decisions. Great advice isn’t the midst of grief.
I lost my husband 1 1/2 years ago. He was 53. We were going to be celebrating our 21st anniversary. This was both our 2nd marriages. We have 3 kids in school which I am very blessed to have. We do indeed miss him. For my children the healing is taking longer. For myself I have no desire to be with anyone else. Thank you for sharing. Everyone heals and mourns at their own pace. Agreed, if you’ve not been in our shoes, don’t judge our decisions.
Big hugs. So true; we all go at our own pace <3
Remember not all widows are selfless. Sure, go ahead and date. That doesn’t mean going out 5 nights a week drinking and neglecting your children…who yes are also grieving.
Agreed. Children and self-care are top priorities.
I’m part of the widowed at 30 club, and so badly wish I wasn’t. My husband was sick with cancer for almost 8 years before he passed and I had been with him since I was 19. Just over a third of my life had been spent with him. He was the greatest accomplishment of my life, my absolute best friend, and the most courageous and inspiring person I’ll ever meet. After he passed, I unexpectedly met someone just about 4 months after his passing, and to my surprise, I’ve been made very happy once again. I don’t boy wish that I could help others understand the light in that. While most very much wish the best for me, I sense their worry about me moving on too fast and it’s hurtful in ways that I don’t know how to express. I’ve very much felt that because my husband’s life was taken far too soon that it’s only right that I truly live my very best life and embrace all that’s in store for me. Having that kind of open mind and open heart isn’t easy and I wish others could truly understand that. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, LK. People just don’t get it. I’m happy you’ve found someone new. All the best!
I’m so glad I read this article. It really hits home. I lost my husband 10 years ago, but have found someone to love again. My children did lose more than I did because they lost their dad’s family also. They have 2 aunts and 3 uncles and out of that only 2 of them have anything to do with them. I don’t care how they feel about me but my children are their family. It disgusts me. I don’t need their approval to move on. I know my feelings I still have for the man I was married to for 18 years and had 5 children with. Bless you!!
Thanks, Lana. It’s so unfortunate that children have to suffer when some in-laws turn their backs. Big hugs to you and the kiddos.
Thank you for always having the right words at the right time and putting them together perfectly.
<3
Good for you for choosing life in spite of your terrible loss, and for sharing this! I well remenber what it was like when I was a young widow raising my kids. That is why widows are people am passionate about helping as a Life and Loss Transformation/ Life Reinvention Coach, one to one and in my groups.
Thanks for giving back to the widow community
I’m going through this now . Everything you said is exactly how I feel !
Wow have I ever needed to read soemthing like this more, I do not think so. My wife and mummy to our two young children died two years ago aged 35 and it’s been so difficult. Recently I’m choosing happy which isn’t going down well with some people.
Thank you for sharing this. I will continue to choose happy 🌈
Russ
#ChooseHappy…Always
Kerry, thank you for this blog. I, too, am widowed, after many long years with my husband, who died of Alzheimers. I met a very wonderful man, while my husband was alive and we chose to meet. We’ve discovered that because we both had a good, fulfilling marriage, we miss that. So we are dating and enjoying each other’s company. I have been widowed for 3 mos, but I feel it has been a lifetime. No one can or should feel qualified to feel they know better what is good for someone else’s life. We are all survivors, we have been thru hell, we have the right to happiness.
So happy for you! We absolutely have the right to happiness
I was widowed last June after his very long illness. I stood by his side the whole time. I actually was grieving long before he passed. I started dating a lovely man in October and my closest sister and brother-in-law can’t stand him to the point of shutting me out completely. They said he was rude and nit picky at the Thanksgiving dinner and now it is my fault for dismissing their feelings. It’s very confusing. I’m now struggling with a sort of multiple losses. I feel they are being selfish. Am I wrong?
Not at all, Suzanne. Unfortunately (and fortunately) they haven’t walked in your shoes. Keep pursuing your happiness!
I too lost my husband unexpectedly he was 47. Our daughter was 7yrs old. It’s been almost 2 yrs and she battles with it everyday. Everything you said hits home with me. I’m glad you put this out there. People should really stop and think how hurtful their words and actions can be! My parents think it’s too soon and I shouldn’t date! I used to cry all the time especially at night. I never thought I would find happiness again and be in love. But I’m in love with a great guy that treats me and my daughter good! For once I look forward to my future.