When my husband died, one of the things that crossed my mind and brought a great deal of sadness was knowing that no one would ever love me the way he did.
We had such a special connection. He was the Ying to my Yang. We were the couple that random strangers would stop on the street to tell us how good we looked together or how we seemed so in love. He was bold and owned any room he walked into while I was more introverted and preferred to stay under the radar. He was everything I wasn’t and I picked up where he fell short.
Being with him made me a better person. Watching his passion for life and how he lived it on his own terms gave me courage to step outside my comfort zone.
Then he died.
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I wondered how I could possibly experience love like that again. I questioned who would accept my idiosyncrasies, my flaws, quirks and widow baggage. Would I ever be loved the way my husband loved me?
The answer is NO.
The love I shared with my husband is uniquely our own. It is a culmination of our time together – good and bad. It was shaped by who we were when we met and who we became together.
I am not the same person I was when he died though. I’ve experienced hurt like I’ve never felt before and was broken to my core. In rebuilding post-loss, I left that naive 32 year old behind.
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I’ve since started dating and initially questioned this new relationship. He didn’t fit into my grooves the way my late-hubby did. His love wasn’t expressed in bold statements the way my hubby had often done. This was different.
I want you to know that different isn’t always a bad thing. While my new relationship didn’t start wth the intense chemistry I had with my hubby, it’s managed to spark a flame that’s been slow and steady.
His love is making me tea for a sore throat in my favorite mason jar. His love is dropping a pin on my navigation app because I can never remember where I parked. His love is walking my dog when he sees me busy with my kiddo. His love is bringing me an emu egg (yes, emu) because it reminded him of our relationship. His love is buying peppermint bath soap to help with my congestion. His love is purchasing a special writing app to help with my blogging.
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This love is not the same as I had with my husband but it’s no less filling. No less safe. No less satisfying. No less beautiful. No less gratifying. No less meaningful.
The next time you question if you’ll ever again have the kind of love story you had with your spouse, please know that it’s perfectly okay if you never do. Your new relationship will be a blank slate wanting for the picture you paint with your new partner to turn into its own unique story.
Widowed at 32 years old, Kerry runs a support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating.
Wow! Kerry Im in tears! So amazing as always! This is perfectly what I needed to read! Xox. Thank you for all you give to so many!
Thanks, Carolyn!
The first part of this is like you read minds. I’m not at the point of being in, or even thinking about, a new relationship (it’s only been 2 and a half years) but I know no one could ever love me the way my husband did and I could never love anyone the way I loved him. It frightens me a bit because I’m only 43 but I can’t see myself ever having another relationship. Friends have told me the same thing, that they can’t see me with anyone else because of what hubby and I had. How do you begin to rebuild when you haven’t even come to terms with the loss yet?
Hi Sara. Someone in my support group posted today that our lives didn’t end when our spouse died – just the life we expected. That really resonated. And then I interviewed an 86-year-old gentleman today who told me he was widowed after 33 years of marriage. When I offered my condolences, he thanked me but told me not to feel too sad because he celebrates his 30th anniversary with his new love next week. I think once we take time to process the magnitude of loss and/or get to a healthy place, we can realize that we can have more than one great love story. We hurt maybe forever, but we can get another shot at happiness with a new love story.
I LOVE this! Thank you. I was widowed suddenly at 32 and have had the same question in my mind. I have not met anyone yet, but I’m starting to have hope.
I think hope and an open mind are the keys. Continued healing 🙂
Kerry, thank you so much for this blog entry. A friend of mine forwarded me this post after having a conversation with her where I questioned if I’d ever be loved like my late husband loved me again. It just doesn’t even seem possible. My husband died the day after Thanksgiving 2017. Its still very new. The prospect of even ever re-joining the dating landscape again is very daunting and intimidating. Thank you for sharing a real life account that gives people hope.
Thanks, Kristin and I’m glad the article gave you hope. So often we think “different” won’t measure up but it doesn’t have to. A true relationship will be able to stand on its own merits. Continued love and light to you.
Wow o became a widow I just before I turned 29 and I am 30 now but still struggling to move on. Please help
I think it’s important to find a community of widows/widowers so you can see that it is, in fact, possible to get to a place of healing. You can also try doing one small thing per day that makes you happy. Use that as a foundation to start doing new activities, discover a new hobby, etc. Also, if you find that you’re really struggling, consider reaching out to a professional therapist. Best wishes.
I do not agree with sweeping statements which are never 100 per cent correct. If i fell in love with a widow,or an unmarried mum, i would love her children as my own for they are part of her. If love be rooted in the feelings,it will die and change with feelings. But the control-centre of human personality is NOT in the feelings but in the HUMAN WILL. Animals have only instincts,desires and feelings in accordance with their ANIMAL NATURE. We,humans,have intellect and WILL, AS BEFITS OUR PROVENANCE,OUR CREATION BY GOD THROUGH THE AGENCY OF OUR PARENTS. Love is that is rooted in the will over-rides any contrary feeling. Such love seeks to give without taking. It makes sacrifices. It sees in the loved one THE IMAGE AND LIKENESS OF GOD WHO MADE THE PERSON IN HIS OWN IMAGE AND LIKENESS. A Temple of God’s Holy Spirit,NEVER AN OBJECT OF DISGUSTING CARNAL SPECULATION!
Thanks for commenting
Thank you! This is the post I needed to read today. So many of the same questions are on my mind all the time.
I really appreciated this. I tried to date a recent widow and It was a bit rough. They were a beautiful couple that lit up the room everywhere they went and I admired them both very much. She’s having a really tough time and I dont blame her. I couldn’t imagine losing a spouse that was the Ying to her Yang. I hope she does find love again even if it’s not with me. She definitely deserves it.
It can be tough and we certainly don’t mean to make dating us so challenging. I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. I wish you the best too.
Kerry, it’s like you’re in my brain. 🙏
<3
Like you said she was a RECENT widow, maybe she thought she was ready…
Thank you Kerry….I became a widow at 41…I lost my husband for 18 yrs..in 2015…I was half dead in isolation for 1 yr 6mnths and have to look after 3 children…thank you for you blog…for almost 2 yrs now i kept asking that question if it is okay to fall in love again…this is one way to learn from other young widows….hope to hear from you..blessings
Glad it’s been helpful, Kesaia. Yes, push past the guilt. It’s perfectly okay to embrace love again. All the best
Wow, it was like you were telling my story but me being 50 when the love of my life left… he was everything to me, we were that fairytale marriage that was something soo many complimented and what I wished for my close friends and family that didn’t seem to have what we had, we were truly blessed, then my happily ever after ended way before I ever thought and I was lost. Then this man came out of nowhere, a long time friend of one of my best friends for over 15 years, yet we never crossed paths until my husband was no longer here. Makes me wonder sometimes was he always Gods plan, your right it’s not the same and I struggle at times but he is soo understanding and loving and I feel blessed to have him in my life. Thank you for this page and all your sharing I know it has helped me in many ways and I have shared with others to help them understand what we are feeling.
Beautiful! ❤️
Thanks, Dana!
This year is my 5th yr of being a widow, I’m also in my 30s….and this piece gives me a lot of hope. Thank you for sharing.
Glad it was helpful, Maria
You verbalize my love story with my husband.. Although, I am still not open to new relationship.
That’s perfectly okay. Took me a good long time and some just never want to – nothing wrong with that 🙂
Thank you for this and all you do for us. xoxo
I appreciate it, Doris. Thanks!
I read this when I needed to. Thanks.
Glad it was right on time!