I am a card-carrying member of the same club. You know the one – the club none of us ever wanted to be part of. The club we were dragged into because of cancer, a drunk driver, a workplace accident or even suicide.
Club membership comes with gossip, innuendoes, judgment, alienation, loneliness, depression, solo-parenting and more. Widowhood is something we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemy.
Because this card has been forced upon us, we often feel it should come with certain “privileges” (for lack of a better word). We have a dead husband, right? Shouldn’t that count for something?
Sure, I’ve played my widow card a time or two. I’ve dropped that I’m widowed at the bank to elicit sympathy when I was missing a required document. I’ve even dropped the ‘widow bomb’ on a prying sales rep demanding to know why I wasn’t involving my spouse in my decision-making process.
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Though those two incidents seem minor, there are times when we play the “widow card” and it is unfair to the people around us. I know there’s the whole ‘but we have a dead spouse…’ argument. I get it, trust me, I do. But I’ll share some great advice my mother-in-law told me about my screw-everyone-else-I-am-widowed attitude: None of these people killed your husband. You don’t have the right to be unkind, rude or think the world revolves around you!
Time after time, I see us project our bad attitude on others. I won’t lie, sometimes we do need to stand up, assert ourselves and demand to be respected. But there are also many times when I see us being hyper-sensitive, self-entitled and downright nasty.
We expect friends and family to extend courtesy and graciousness to us far beyond what we would (and do) give to them. Our world was upended and we feel they should move mountains to steady our lives. How dare they put their “trivial” matters before our needs, not realizing that we were once in their shoes.
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We huff and puff when social media friends and acquaintances post “I love my husband” quotes, yet ask that our posts about grief and loss be respected and rightfully acknowledged. We gripe about “happily ever after” statuses, threatening to remind the person posting it that death is just around the corner, but we held on tightly to our happily ever after – before the diagnosis, the doctors and plan of care.
We expect others to “just know” that we need support, help, etc., when we haven’t even bothered to make our requests known. It is unfair to complain about something we haven’t asked for. And, even so, we have to keep in mind that others have their own personal issues going on so it’s unrealistic to expect them to cater solely to our needs. Think back to before you were widowed. It took your losing a spouse to realize that day-to-day issues paled in comparison to the trauma of losing a spouse. Don’t think you have a monopoly on problems. We don’t own sadness.
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When it comes to dating, we often sit on our widowed high horse and thumb our noses at potential partners. We won’t accept this and we won’t accept that. He comes with too much emotional baggage we tell ourselves. Do you know how much baggage we have! We can’t require a partner to cater to our every need while giving nothing in return. We’d rather say he wasn’t there for us than to admit that we wanted to be the receiver 100% of the time. A relationship is a balancing act. While we do carry a heavy load, asking someone to carry that load without bothering to check on his/her load is wrong on every level. As one widow pointed out, “I find we tend to make the relationship all about us and all about our widowhood, which leaves no room for the life our partners had prior to meeting us”.
I mentioned that membership in the widow club comes with a lot of negativity. That negatively can either continue to stifle us or we can channel it into independence, service to the widow community, love, new friendships, determination, perseverance, confidence, fearlessness and resolve.
Which will you choose?
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
I hate being alone
Try to find some activities that you enjoy. That may help with some of the loneliness and may provide opportunities to meet others with similar interests.
I have been a widow since Feb 6, 2014. It doesn’t get easier when the birthdays and anniversaries come around. I’ve played the widow card more times than I can remember, and I’m not proud of most of them. Some of them I can justify (to a certain degree). I think something I have learned is that I know being a widow is my main “problem” in life. But the loss of a spouse is not the worst loss. While I lost a spouse, someone lost a father, a son, a brother… my loss is no greater than theirs.
Great insights, Rebekah!
Wow you and I have identical stories my husband passed on 2/6/14 also and you took the words right out of my mouth! Thanks
Is this Shannon from a FB widows group?
Hi Kerry, I’ve played the widow card for the cable company 😄. And others. Your post touched a nerve, in a good way, because I’m guilty of not expressing needs and being angry when those needs aren’t met. And with so much going on in our lives we lose sight of other people’s suffering too. I appreciate your reminder to channel our circumstances into positive endeavors instead of remaining focused solely on ourselves. I needed it 👍.
Glad it was helpful, Kim 🙂
I have been in a relationship with a widow for nearly 2 years. She stated she had lost the love of her life, her soul mate, her best friend and confidante. Five months after the loss of her husband, We were friends for 4 months and intimate now for 18 months. It seems she has been using her widow card to live two separate lives. One life to show her families and friends what an honouring, altruistic widow she is and a second life having me as Plan B when no one else is available and to fill a void of being alone. I can appreciate the loss of her husband, yet feel used When she says she’s “mapping out my new life” . Yet, in 2 years no mapping progress for her new life has been made. She only returned to work part time 2 days a week after 2 1/2 years of losing her husband. I’m told by my widow that doing what she is doing is only to protect everyone around her. Her father in law, a multimillionaire, offered to help buy her a dental practice and did help pay for her new Audi, all this after her husband passed. I have only been introduced to her mother and sisters only as the neighbor friend. I recently ended things letter her know that this behaviour is no longer healthy and that she is cherry picking what she needs to selfishly meet her needs. She hasn’t wanted to commit to anything more than the following day and says we shouldn’t label things. Now she claims after My ending this non existent relationship as my not being sensitive to her broken heart! Can any widow please advise if she is playing the game with everyone not to lose the spot light, the father in laws bank role. Essentially, does she have ant all her cake and to eat it too?
Good for you for breaking it off. I always say that when a widowed person lets someone new into our lives, our grief needs to be respectful of the new relationship just as the new partner should be understanding of our grief. Perhaps she wasn’t ready to date. Best wishes going forward.