“After your father died, I had to let to go of a lot of things, and happiness was one of the first things to go. And, it was like that for a very, very long time,” she says when asked about her marriage to the man who happens to be her late husband’s best friend. She later adds that their relationship is “quieter and older” before admitting that she’s happy again.
That line – quieter and older – also describes my first post-loss relationship which began nearly four years after I unexpectedly lost my husband. My new guy is the polar opposite of my husband. Early on, I questioned this. I thought I wanted – even needed – a clone of my spouse. But honestly, at this point in life, my new guy brings a calm and steadiness to my life that is exactly what I needed – even though I didn’t know it.
I reached out to a group of young widows and they too agreed that “This Is Us” gets widowhood right. Here are 9 other times the show hit close to home for the widowed community:
“You really do a disservice by calling my husband an addict because he was so much more than that!”
Rebecca’s response to her son’s therapist who chides her not discussing her late husband’s alcoholism with her three children especially resonated with widow, Jessica.
“Losing someone to addiction carries the extra burden of judgment,” she explains. “Some even tell me, ‘You’re better off’. F—k, I hate that! Jack was so much more than the alcohol just like Dave was more than heroin.”
“Your dad isn’t here and that’s just something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. The happiest moments will also be a little sad.”
Me and every widow I know yelled a collective, “Preach!” when Rebecca, eyes filled with tears, explained her “new normal”.
Destiny, a fan of the show, shares: When my daughter had her first day of school, I cried because my baby was growing up. And, I cried because her daddy wasn’t on Earth to see it.
Kevin Pearson, confesses to losing his dad’s necklace and Rebecca rubs her necklace, still around her neck – even though it’s been several years and she has remarried.
“This hit me because I also wear my husband’s wedding band on a chain and someone said to me recently that they thought I shouldn’t wear it because it wouldn’t be ‘fair’ to another man. I can’t imagine not wearing it though,” said Darlene, who is widowed.
The scene where Rebecca pulls up to the charred Pearson home. We see what looks to be Jack’s belongings in a bag and she lets out an anguished scream.
Widow Terri cried for days after viewing the episode. “That mortal widow scream…” she says, “That was me many times over.”
Beverly, widowed in 2011, concurs: It’s the same scream I did when they told me my husband was dead.
“I think the show highlights all the emotional complexities of being a widow especially the dynamics between Rebecca and her children,” said Cathy. “It is complicated, painful and beautiful all at the same time. The show’s realism is astounding.”
Miguel – Rebecca’s new spouse – tells the partners of the Pearson children: “Those four lived through something very unique together. They lived through the loss of the best man that any of us will ever know. And that’s why they get to be on the inside.”
Ryan, also widowed, says, “There are things that nobody else will ever truly understand. The show gets it right with how fiercely the siblings protect one another. My kids (two boys and a girl) are that way now.”
Jack’s status to near sainthood.
Death has a way of erasing the bad, less than positive moments we had with our spouses. Though most widows are guilty of this, the false-sense of perfection can affect our children and even how we date in the future.
Widow Karen agrees: I feel like many only remember the good stuff and the deceased gets elevated to sainthood. I try to remind my kids of all facets of their dad, good and not so good. No one can live up to perfection, nor should they – especially when the idolized person wasn’t perfect!
Miguel’s relationship with the Pearson clan.
“For me, someone who remarried after being widowed, it’s how everyone, even Rebecca, treats Miguel,” explains Theresa. “He’s looked at by almost everyone as someone who is trying to take Jack’s place and even he knows that can never happen. Rebecca obviously loves him but to help the rest of the family accept him, she feels she has to hide that. I get it. I love Chas endlessly. He will never be Ron or take Ron’s place but I feel I have to watch how close I stand to him or what I say about him on my Facebook so people don’t think I don’t still miss Ron.”
By watching Miguel’s storyline develop, widow Vicki says she is more aware of the challenges her new guy faces.
“He wasn’t a part of our lives before but he’s in a tough place regardless. It can’t be easy to follow the charismatic dead guy,” she says. “Hopefully the show helps me help him navigate through at least some of the minefields.”
Seeing Dr. K’s story (he delivered the Pearson children) play out in Season 1.
We learn Dr. K is also widowed. We saw him talking to his wife, only to realize she wasn’t really there. We get it. Most all of us still talk to our spouses. We know what it feels like to want to have that connection again.
Dr. K’s best line was telling Jack that he needed to keep moving forward following the death of one of the Pearson’s triplets. He said Jack needed to find a way to take “the sourest lemon that life has to offer and turn it into something resembling lemonade”.
It was a jarring lesson for many in the widowed community. We have to keep moving forward – despite our pain, despite our loss, despite a piece of our heart being missing.
What scene resonated most with you? What would you add to the list? Chime in the comments!
Wow. This Is Us. It is really us! It’s every widow. We can all relate only too well. My older son is Kevin. He doesn’t want to deal with his grief. He gets up and leaves the room when Kevin’s emotional scenes are on. Kevin is him in 20 years if he doesn’t try to heal without self-sabotage. My boyfriend is Miguel. A quiet and steady presence. And, of course, I relate to Rebecca. I have primal screams in my car far too often. Everyone else can watch the Pearson’s with the understanding they’re a fictional family on TV. It’s not fiction for us widows. It’s a heart-wrenching reality.
Omgosh, I asked my LH’s mother about the concept of the “deceased being raised to the level of sainthood ” a while ago. I wondered if it was just me, or does everyone do this. Do the survivors just naturally remember their loved ones as flawless, before they died. Because that’s how I seem to remember, and talk about my sweet Lee. And I will fiercely protect this image, should anyone ever have anything less to say about him. But of course no-one ever would speak in a negative nature about him, because he was perfect, wasn’t he, ha ha!!
For me, I think this is how God created our minds, to help cope with such a devastating loss. It makes me feel so grateful and thankful that I was given 29 years with such a beautiful (and perfect 😊) soul to share my life. If I try, I can stop and reflect on the past, and remember things about my LH that at the time, infuriated me. But those thoughts take effort to remember. I so much rather the sweet memories of our wonderful life together with my “perfect” husband bounce around in my head.
Thanks for this article Kerry!
The line “the best man any of us will ever know” hit me as my husband gave my children and their spouses someone to live up to. He was their step-dad, but as my son so genuinely stated,
“he was my DAD, the only DAD I ever had”. Since the spouses/SO did not know him we too can make them feel outside our bubble remniscing about the man who stole our hearts.
A long time ago, I remember hearing a widow describe her late husband, as if he were a saint.
I knew it couldn’t be true and
I didn’t think kindly of her, I’m ashamed to say. The day came when I became a widow, and how surprised I was to hear myself do the very same thing as that poor widow! I wondered if my friends and family thought I was exaggerating my feelings too.
I wanted to know why I was doing that, so I started thinking about it quite a bit. And then for me, I found the answer that gave me permission, to continue to share to whomever would listen, just how wonderful my man was.
For the past 22 years of marriage, I would complain not just to him, but others as well, his faults and irritations. I neglected to share his wonderful side, but not anymore!
It’s been six years, with sixteen to go! Maybe I’ll call it even when that day comes, or maybe I’ll continue!
I have learned so much these past six years, with much more to learn! Life is short. Regret is not. That grief just might be one secret ingredient to appreciate and enjoy this temporary home.
By the way, did I ever tell you about the day my Johnny, stayed in our car, having trouble walking, as I walked closer to the beach, alone, excited to take pictures, but, upset because we were supposed to do it together?
I turned around a few snapshots later and looked at him, and to my surprise, he had the biggest smile on his face! Johnny was enjoying watching me, and that was more than enough for him! It broke my heart that he couldn’t get there!
I flashed him my biggest smile to increase his joy, though my heart was so sad. I determined to give him the best pictures I could, so he could see his childhood playground, the ocean.
It was the last time he would see his favorite place, this side of heaven. Miss you husby, your the best part of what’s left of me here.
The part where Rebecca seems obsessed with the urn, keeping up with it. My LH suddenly died of a heart attack. It was late at night, at the hospital. The next morning, early, I called my funeral home director—asking him where my Jim was. You see, in all our 30 years together, I always, always knew where he was. That morning, I did not. Was he at the hospital, the coroner’s office, funeral home, the place that would cremate him.. Luckily, he picked up on my panic, my need to know and spent the rest of the day ensuring I knew where he was. And the not breathing part, Rebecca losing her breath when she realizes it true, Jack’s dead. It really happens that way—it did to me.
The night of the funeral and she looked up in the sky and promised Jack she would do her best and that they would be “okay.”