That’s the way it should be. And, widows everywhere deserve that same level of respect when it comes to our spouses and our decisions to date post-loss.
If you can love more than one child, two parents, five aunts, nine nieces, etc., why is it so hard to fathom that we can love or be in love with two men?
My husband died. The thought of ever having known him was not erased from my memory. His death was sudden and shocking. One night he was here and the next morning he wasn’t. What was I to do with all that love? Bury it in his casket?
What about the wife who stood by her husband’s side…through the diagnosis, through the treatment, through the end? Does she just press a button and forget the love she has for her man?
In fact, when we’re ready to love – truly ready to not let our fears, insecurities, and guilt hold us back – the world had better take notice. We love hard because we know firsthand the importance of letting our partners know how much they are cared for, while they are still here with us. We know to cherish the small things we once took for granted. We get that those silly squabbles don’t matter in the end. We know it’s always the right time to live boldly and passionately.
A boyfriend, fiancé or even a husband NEVER means we’re over our loss. Our happy, vacationing, hand-holding pictures aren’t a slap in the face to our late spouses. They are a testament to their love. We aren’t jaded by having such a horrific experience in our marriages that we run from the thought of ever loving again. We know the beauty in being loved and loving in return.
Then there are family, friends, co-workers, and in-laws who wonder if we’ve replaced our spouses. Does a mother replace a child by simply having another one? Of course not! How could she? How could we?
Our spouses are irreplaceable! Even if a new partner has the same build, same mannerisms, and same facial features, he can never be expected to fit perfectly into the groove in our hearts left by our spouses. A replacement would need to have encountered all that defined our marriages – the good and bad times. He would have to experience every moment we shared with our late spouses to even begin to be a fill-in.
It’s truly an insult to refer to the man we’ve chosen for this phase of our life as a replacement. It dishonors our late spouses as well. Our new guy – who some lovingly refer to as “Chapter 2”– comes with his own set of unique qualifications. He is in no way a carbon copy of our spouses and neither is he a cheap imitation.
Please know it’s possible for us to be happy in our new relationships while missing our husbands. We can post about the joys of having a new partner today and tomorrow dedicate a post to our husbands’ memories, captured in beautiful images of their children. We can excitedly tell you that we’ve met the person we want to marry and in the same conversation become overwhelmed by the thought of our late spouses. We can have the most amazing date on Wednesday night and cry at our husbands’ graves on Saturday.
So, yes. We can date, despite loving our husbands and we can fall in love and still love our late spouses. It comes with the widowed territory and we shouldn’t be judged for it. Until you lose a spouse and experience every aspect of this madness called widowhood, you’re in no position to offer your two-cents.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
Well said! Tomorrow will be 1 year since the tragic accident that took my husband from me. I have been seeing someone for 6 months and have heard all the rumors about us going around. My husband and I had an amazing 12 short years together but we loved each other so passionately and so completely. I think bc we had such a great marriage it allowed me to try and experience love again 6 months after his passing. I have moments when I am so happy being with this new guy and 2 minutes later something will trigger my grief and then I’m in tears. So I completely understand how that is. Thank you for your blogs.
Thanks, Catherine. Ignore all the noise. I know it’s difficult to do.
True to that,fours days from now I mark the day I lost my fiance to a road accident I have found new love but I ain’t sure of how I should tell him about my past or how he will react to t either
Be upfront as soon as you have the strength! You don’t want him to freak out after being in a relationship for months or years.
My daughter recently lost the love of her life that she’s known, been with lived with for over 20+ years. They had two beautiful little boys together. They are still very young 5 & going on 4 years old. My daughter fiance’ died a tragic death two months ago. Feb 14th 2022. So heartbreaking.😔 This devastation has caused so much pain for all of our families across other cities where our other families live. This young man was the Epitome of the most LOVING person anyone could ever meet. You don’t come by this kind of person everyday. A ❤ as big as ever. His little family my daughter & their vet small little boys will miss him so much. Such a great tragedy. 😔
My Lord, I am so sorry for your daughters loss. I too lost the most incredible man I’ve ever known to COVID on April 8th, 2020….he was only 43. I won’t go into all my specifics, and although he loved me and my daughter and saw us as a package deal….I cannot imagine the depth of her grief. I am 31 with a chronic illness and I’m a single mama to my angelic 10-going-on-29 year old daughter lol. I decided to fight for her….she deserves a mother that hasn’t shut herself down and shut the world out.
The waves of grief still swallow me while sometimes but I no longer feel the exhaustion of myself thrashing against the water…nor do I find myself welcoming the call of the void. I may not be an Olympic level swimmer but I am able to float and appreciate the beauty of a sunrise and sunset…and respect and appreciate and reniniscce on the depth of the love we share…PRESENT TENSE….I can feel his love all around me, we are both spiritually inclined and I know without question he wouldn’t have been able to accept a life where he couldn’t protect and provide. He always told me no matter what that I deserve to be happy, whether we know in our hearts on a Monday that we’ll never encounter a love like what we experienced together that if on Friday I felt…truly and genuinely in my heart that I may need to move forward in order to evolve or maybe to continue exploring myself that I should feel no regret or contempt for doing what is for the greater good of self because we cannot freely give ourselves to others when we put stipulations and expectations on their person journeys.
My Sam was truly otherworldly and I STILL 2 years later although I’ve met someone amazing, amazingly flawed and perfect in his own way….I still will see a truck that looks like his and subconsciously damn near break my neck trying to see if it’s him and he finally realized there was no limit to my “eccentricities” because he was so outwardly stoic but he told me …and for as long as I am, which is now, then and in the hereafter…..I will never forget how he enraptured my SOUL when he expressed to me that my love made him feel a joy he hadn’t known possible since childhood.
People may say it’s cliche, but he would be LIVID with me if he knew I was down here in this physical incarnation feeling sorry for him because he just so happened to clock out of the human experience corporation headquarters known as Earth….he lives in my heart, and I in his.
Sometimes he even reminds me that when we first started dating I’d usually end of being late for things because I had awful time management skills, but instead of berating me…he was patient and loving, and understanding beyond reason…he TRULY would WANT me to be steadfast in knowing that he was honored to have chosen me as his wife just 6 short months into our otherworldly love affair, our love made and does make me feel as though only him and I existed no matter how many people we’d be surrounded by. He’d want me to not waste time contemplating because it isn’t promised to any of us….the temporal nature of what we can perceive with our 5 human senses is just a fraction of who we truly are and only the beginning of a journey that will lead to the same “end” for us all as I believe we are awakened into the hereafter to vacation forevermore.
If your daughter needs or desires an ear from another woman that is a part of a club we never wanted to or could have imagined we’d be members of please feel free to email or call/text me anytime. And I do mean ANYTIME…nights were hardest for me. The silence becomes deafening.
I contracted pneumonia 3 SEPARATE times attempting to sleep for 20 hours a day so that I could maybe, hopefully, PRAYERFULLY see my love again. Not realizing that my spiritual eyes have known he’s been with me the whole time.
We cannot prevent what is destined, so let the record show that you love your daughter immensely to be here seeking out help and solace on her behalf.
I pray that I too will leave such a profound example of unconditional love as you have here for you darling daughter. If you find yourself feeling at a loss of what to say or do or how to give her some kind solace…please feel free to contact me and I will do my best to share my own healing journey and prayerfully it can a great help to her and all those that still love and need her to be present while her soul cries out for yesterday constantly that we both can help each other realize moving FORWARD is NOT equal to moving on without our lives as they are within our essence eternally.
My daughter also lost her husband 6months ago . He passed at the age of 30 due to covid19. My daughter is 27 and they had 2 precious children girl 4 and boy 2yrs old . I try my best to be there for them. Ppl are saying some horrible things about her. But like i told her. They don’t know what y’all talked about before they put him on that vent . You do what’s best for you and your family. . He would be so proud of her. My heart aches so bad for my grandkids. I told her you will find love again oneday. No it want be the same. But he will love you and those babies as if they were his .
I completely agree, but when a spouse dies unexpectedly and the widow publicly announces her new relationship just a FEW WEEKS later (5? 6?), it is understandably confusing. I told my husband, please do find happiness again if I die, but please wait a few months to go public for the sake of my grieving friends and family. ….I’ve morned a lost set of keys longer.
Yess, I agree it can be upsetting for family and friends. I’ve learned though that I don’t know what type of marriage/relationship the widow/widower had so it’s best those of us on the outside not judge.
My daughter recently lost the love of her life that she’s known, been with lived with for over 20+ years. They had two beautiful little boys together. They are still very young 5 & going on 4 years old. My daughter fiance’ died a tragic death two months ago. Feb 14th 2022. So heartbreaking.😔 This devastation has caused so much pain for all of our families across other cities where our other families live. This young man was the Epitome of the most LOVING person anyone could ever meet. You don’t come by this kind of person everyday. A ❤ as big as ever. His little family my daughter & their very small little boys will miss him so much. Such a great tragedy. 😔
I am so sorry for her loss. There are really great groups like Soaring Spirits and Hope for Widows Foundation that can be great resources.
Catherine- I lost my husband Aug 4, 2016. He had been ill a diabetic had heart disease but we were on a good road we though so this was sudden he had a fatal heart incident in our home after playing golf that morning and enjoying a beautiful summer day. He had said he always wanted to go quickly and not fade away but this left me and my daughter who is 16 now devastated. Married 30 almost 31 years. He was 55. I am now 54 starting to finally think forward about my second life I hadn’t intended on having. There is no time table but I know my husband would want me to find someone. He said so himself in letters he had written to us months before when he had stent surgery. I have peace knowing he went they way he wanted I wish it had been many years later. But that can’t be changed. It’s scary to put yourself out there again let alone feel like people are judging you!
That’s true and what a beautiful gift he gave you. So many of us also worry about what our spouses would think.
I lost my first husband after onlyb7 years, he told me to find someone else to,help raise out two boys, I raised the boys and 13 years found someone else to love, lost him after 32 years, you can love more than one person, love is beautiful, loneliness is terrible, hope one day God will let me love again
I wonder what my Late Hubby would think of me. Would He think I loved him any less? It’s confusing to me so I have told myself that I wouldn’t date because I wouldn’t want to hurt his Feelings, And that I wouldn’t want my Children to think that I loved their Dad any less.. He was my soulmate Am lost without him.. at the same time I feel lonely and I don’t know what to do.
As someone was told me, you don’t love your second child any less than your first. I think if you continue to honor the children’s father while showing them a positive, new relationship, they won’t for a second think you no longer love their father.
I feel exactly the same way
Yur words touch home to me in so many ways bless yu and pray yu find true happiness again Sandy xx
Thank you for posting, it was 1 yr for me Aug 2nd..no family close, friends seemed to disappear ..i met someone who helped me get thru holidays and sucj..je moved on July 15th..i was scares of what friends and family would rjink
I had 12 short years with my husband as well Met my guy one year later He is a widower who understands…
I started seen a widower almost 6 months ago, at the time he was widowed for 10 months. Very young widower 32y/o and I am divorced 39y/o. On the anniversary of her death he asked for some space which I gave him and let him contact me when he was ready. After this short period of time (5 days), he said he wasn’t ready for anything serious but would be intrested in a friends with benefits situation. I agreed to it because honestly I was having the most fun I have had in years with him. He spoke once in a while of his wife, there were a few pictures in their house, which does not bother me at all. He would say and do things that lead me to believe as well as some close friends who knew if the situation, that he does like me but is afraid of what others would say or that he felt guilty. We celebrated my birthday which was the beginning of November together it was really nice. Then about a week and a 1/2 later He said and he is in a funk because of the holidays, and it had nothing to do with, but he didnt want to hurt me. I know Thanksgiving was their favorite holiday. Before this we would text almost everyday, now he only text me when I text him which was only 2 times. I like him a lot even though I am not supposed to, and I keep getting theses signs that make me think if him. So my question is has this happened to any of you widow/widower and/or significant others of, do you think he just needs some space to get through the holidays? Should I tell him how I feel?
I think it’s always best to be open and honest with what and how you feel. Unfortunately some in the widowed community can be so consumed by our grief that we fail to realize how it impacts our new partners.
Hi Diane:
I was married for 16.50 years and my husband had
been sick the last 3-4 years with cancer. From chemotherapy, radiation, and immunotherapy was an ongoing illness.
He passed away in May of this year and we had a good marriage and we talked about a lot of things as we knew we were running out of time and luck.
After the funeral and dust settled I talked to a few friends about me dating and what they thought and I am soo glad I listened to them. I also prayed to God and asked him to bring me a man who will help take care of me and love me like I did with Chuck. I went on a dating site in June and met a wonderful man in June. We talked a lot every day through the dating site until we finally met for our first date.
My late husband’s family, his best friend and I all knew Chuck wanted me to be happy again and with me only being 45 I knew I wanted to be happy again in this life.
God makes things happen for a reason and he is Good! I met other guys on the dating site and had a few dates with no but no one compared to the guy that I first met in June. He is what I am looking for and has characteristics of my late husband also.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss Chuck. He is in my heart and mind daily. I wear bracelets from family as a reminder of our love each day. Our loved ones are never forgotten but you also need Love!!!
I wish you the very best!!
Take Care!!
Hi,
I also lost my wife suddenly, to sudden cardiac arrest. At 6 PM I kissed her goodbye for swimming class. At 7:30 PM I am calling 911. At 8:40 she’s gone. However, we loved each other so tenderly so honestly for 8 happy married years. Few regrets. I am not closed to a new relationship and I think it’s because we had a good marriage.
I like your attitude about being open minded. My marriage was perfect for us. That gives me hope that there is another guy out there that I can be happy with as well. If there is one wonderful person, there has to be more. It won’t ever be the same, but it can still be great.
I lost my husband on 5th Nov 2016. I dont know how to move on
Just continue to be patient with yourself and take it day by day
That’s beautiful. As a widow who lost my Dad also, I watched my Mum a year after losing Dad to leukemia find a partner. He too had lost his wife to cancer. I could not understand at the time why so soon. We were very angry. But I have an understanding now. Not that I’m intending on jumping into dating or whatever but I don’t judge now as if you’ve had the love of your life it’s very hard to just stop and not have that touch, affection and comfort anymore. I had the love of my life and it’s so hard not having that everyday. I get 500000 hugs but not even double that can give you that same feeling a partner does. And yes I can see that I will never get over losing him. I always thought I would never find another but I believe down the track there will come a point where I won’t be able to have his arms around me but the need to have that feeling will outweigh what other people are feeling about me. My husband was my sun, moon amd stars. But I have to live in a bit of darkness for now. One day I may just find another Galaxy that I can be in. I know I will still miss the other stars. Xx
I’m in the opposite position. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and a half… 4 months after his wife passed away tragically in a car accident. He was 29 when it happened, I’m 5 yrs older. I get comfort from reading your experiences. It reminds me there’s no competition, he loves us both differently. Even his wife’s family took me in with open arms, and share Sunday dinners with us regularly. Friends seem happy for us. We both had a broken road of pain and it’s what brought us to each other. I recently moved in with him, into the home he bought with his wife a year before she passed. It’s a new set of hurdles and transition for us both,but we are so happy and in love. People always have opinions of how we live our lives, how he needs to take down some of his wife’s decor etc. It’s none of their business. They aren’t in our relationship and they have a narrow view of what this experience feels like. I take comfort and reinforcement from hearing about jose going through similar experiences. I wish you and your other half well.
The world we live in can be so cruel. As a widow we experience the most devastating loss that crushes our hearts, turns our world upside down and we transform into a different person because of the experience. To be negatively judged by another human being who has never walked in our shoes just makes the pain we live with more unbearable and we feel even more alone in a world that we would wish upon no one. If we’re smiling because another human has made us feel loved and feel something other than the constant pain that makes the tears fall, why would you not smile at us too! This life doesn’t come with a manual, we’re navigating it the best way we can in the shattered state were in! Be grateful we are trying to move forward out of the dark storm and into the sunlight.
#nojudgement
Kerry,
You said it soo perfectly.
I lost my husband in May of this year and we talked about
everything in April.
I am dating again because I am ready to date and with going through grieving therapy and counselor therapy I see things in a new light. Life is short and now I am going to make the best of it.
My family does not want me to date yet but they have not been
in my shoes. They have no idea what it is like to be a widow.
No matter how many times I ask them to not lecture me they
do. They want me to be happy but not date for years down the
road. I am only 46 years old and I love male companionship. I
had a great marriage to my husband and his family and best
friend has accepted that I am moving on and want to be happy
again.
Even there he is gone he will never be forgotten by me. I always
remember his laughter and his smile!! He is with me always!
He wants me to be happy and I am starting a new journey/new
chapter for me in this life.
Family can just be people. Too bad they can’t get past the
grieving process, they should take classes like I did to move on.
It helps a lot!!
Thank you for your email!!
You understand what life should be about…ya don’t just get stuck in a tragic accident…you remember & move on. Good for you Catherine!
That’s wonderful! What other people
Have to say is their problem,not yours. You, better than others, know how fleeting this life can be.
Oh my gosh, this is so how my life has been. My step kids think I’ve “replaced” their father, try to act like I never existed etc. But I truly believe when you’ve experienced the kind of love we had (butterflies in my stomach til the end) you want/need and deserve that again. Kudos to you and who cares what anyone else thinks ❤
I too meet my second husband a short time after losing my first. And as you I heard the rumours n people till this day don’t talk to me. But one thing I learnt from hubby’s death is that life is too short for regrets . I promised him to live life and be happy I never went looking for love . I was at the right place at the right time to let the perfect partner for me for this chapter of my life . I’m still healing from my lose but I also couldn’t be happier . Life is a roller coaster at times. I also have five kids to consider with their grieving I couldn’t be prouder of them all they have accepted my new husband but wasn’t easy at first
Perfectly said. I am only 41, am I suppose to be alone the rest of my life because my husband chose to leave this earth? I would hope not. That would not be fare. I am approaching 1 year. Im not sure what my next path is. But the thought of never being loved again, is heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing this.
Very well said…i lost my husband fast and very unexpected 2 years ago april…then a year ago a wonderful new man walked into my life and we were married in june. So even though my first hubby passed 2 years ago and yes i have a new hubby….i do very much love them both. Its so true how you said…happy and excited then the next day crying or missing or dedicating something to my first hubby. I very much love 2 men at the same time and its hard for some people to fathom…i have got the comments of if i lost my spouse i could never love again because i love my spouse so much. It is hurtful to me but until they are in that spot they will never truly know if God will send them another person to love just as strongly.
Thank you for this encouragement.
I am so sorry for your loss my heart is broken and crying cause my husband micheal over seas has abandoned me we have two wonderfull sons iv not heard from him in three months ❓❓❓❓❓❓❓
I. Love. Every. Word. Thank you for sharing this. I posted it to my page. I lost my husband in the line of duty 20 Mo’s and 4 days ago. . . .I recently met someone in March and am so in love with him. I didn’t think it was possible. But we unfortunately know that life is short and if you get a chance to love, jump right in. It may not come again.
I love that you’re in love Mitch💙 You deserve it and I’m sure Dan is smiling down 💙
So glad you’ve found happiness again <3
I am a widow twice.
My last hubby passed away I jumped into a relationship way tooo fast because of loneliness.
I wasn’t done grieving my hubby.
We broke up after a year and a half.
Hugs. Yes, I don’t think we are ever done grieving but absolutely agree we have to face grief on our own first before we are ready to date.
Excellent post. Even for someone like me who is tepidly stepping into a new relationship. Nice way to compare it to living another child, step mom etc we are good at loving and I agree we can do it again.
Thanks!
Lost my husband almost 2 years ago. Such a wonderful husband and father/stepfather 37 years wasn’t nearly enough.
I think because our marriage was so good is the reason I think I will be able to love someone again if or when I meet I meet them. I’m 67 keeping an open heart and mind. I have this saying next to his picture
Loved you then
Loved you still
Always have
Always will
An open heart is key!
My story is different/the same as yours. I was married to my husband for “only” 13 years, 10 years into it he got a terminal, un-treatable disease (ALS). I also think that because our marriage was so good, I could find another awesome man. And I did. (Online dating, whodathunk?!) I met this amazing man who, respects my marriage with Eric, loves me for who I am, and is slowly (appropriately) getting to know our kids. I don’t know if he’s “the one,” but he seriously could be. I agree with your saying next to his picture, my boyfriend is totally ok with me talking about Eric, and my kids like him. (not that we’re moving in together or anything together like that). As you suspect, you CAN find love again. Good luck! Feel free to email me if you want.
It’s not been quit a year but I lost my husband to ALS as well. He was 41 for 3 days. Married 16 years. It’s great to hear hope in New love. I loved him so much and I’m so afraid I won’t love someone else enough. It wouldn’t be fair to them.
Beautiful x
Thankyou, thankyou for sharing this 💗
You’re welcome 🙂
Thank you for this. I lost my husband Feb 16th 2014 and I loved him with my whole heart. Never did I think I could love again this hard. But then came John. God knew I was a differt Woman, independant, and that I had alot of love to give. He knew John and I would be perfect for each other. He used John to change me in ways that only being married to a man like John would,/could challemge and change me. It’s been very hard but I am a different Woman now, because I married John and I am a better person and I love even deeper.
Yes a Woman can love again after the loss of their husband. Greg was an Amaxing soul. He loved me accepted me and I am able to love again because if All the LOVE he poured into me for 23 years…
I love this article and your post. I was widowed at 29 with a 4,5, and 6 year old. God brought Pete back into my life 7 months later and we were married 6 months later! I was married to Mike for 7 1/2 years and Pete and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary! God is soooooo good!
Such a beautiful testament!
This came at such an appropriate time, as tomorrow will make 5 years since my husband died. I struggle with my feelings of living 2 men and what to do with all my emotions. Thank you for sharing.
Glad it could help
I am a widow for 18 years. Yesterday was my husbands anniversary of death, and his birthday. I have had two relationships since, each time living with the person, each time ending rather hurtfully , both times abusive people. I wondered if I brought this on myself. Alone now, content but lonely and really really afraid to try again
Be patient with yourself. Abuse is never your fault.
I am widowed three years and would love a relationship but the potential for an insincere or user relationship is high. Men often don’t need as much as women but it is easier for women to be independent.
I can manage alone but would so like someone to share life’s joys, wonders and sorrows.
You have my admiration for taking the chance. I’m sorry you were abused. I hope you find true love again.
I’m so thankful that there is a person who understand this. I lost my husband when I was 23 and it took me about 7 years to be Ok again. Now 10 years later I remarried and I love my hubby but I will never stop loving my first husband. Good bless
Yes, we get it. Love doesn’t die 🙂
First I’m Christian, I’m Country, I’m widowed of 4 years of 31 year marriage fell in love again , got engaged after 6 months a year later just heart break …
Sorry it didn’t work out, Rita.
Thank you.
You’re welcome!
I know this to be true. This is what my life is today & I appreciate you speaking words of truth so that others might understand, if they decide to try. If they could only understand the pain they inflict by not…
Thank you
As a bereaved mother, I don’t agree with comments you made in the first paragraph about losing a baby. People make all sorts of terrible comments to us as well about getting over it, moving on, and many more hurtful things. I would consider not comparing the 2 situations since both are terrible and can truly not be understood until you are the one experiencing the loss.
Hi Lauren. Sorry for loss. As you will see in the blog post, the comparison was in having the capacity to love another child, not comparing the tragedy of the loss or any other aspect of grieving. Hope that helps to clarify things.
I think the point that she’s trying to get across is that you seem to think when you lose a child (or children in my case) that the collective world doesn’t judge anything you do at all or that everyone is universally happy when you have another child post loss or that “they” don’t think you’re trying to “replace” your lost children or that you love them less or more or that it’s too soon, or any number of things. I lost my husband and children 17 years ago, and trust me, the judgement is no different.
People will never stop judging. It’s even worse now with social media, that thankfully wasn’t really a thing when I had my loss.
If I night add, a grief counselor once
provided this scenario to help me understand loving again; when you had your first child you thought you could never love another child as you did in your first. But when you had your second child you realized it is
Love that!
I’m a bereaved mother to. I totally agree with you.. you can’t compare the two unless you’ve been through it.. the love for your children is totally different than that of your spouse…
I completely agree with Lauren. There is no greater loss than the loss of a child.
When a child loses a parent they become a child with one parent
When a husband loses a wife he becomes a widower which he can find love with another
When a wife loses a husband she becomes a widow which she can love with another
But when a parent loses a child their are no words for that!!
It’s been 4 years since my husband’s death, and I’m 1 year into a great relationship. I see how I am a different person and how the man I’m with now fits the person I am today.
That’s great. Widowhood changes you for sure.
I needed to read this. I am not a widow, but my brother passed away about 10 months ago. My sister-in-law began dating someone only a month or so after my brother passed. While I feel happy to see her smile and know she has found love, I can’t help but feel my loss more deeply when I see someone new by her side. I do not judge her – I have never been in her shoes. And she is so young, only 33, she deserves to have a new start and a chance at a family. But I find myself pulling away. I don’t want her to be hurt by my hurt.
It’s tough for the family as well. Please try to heal together as you both navigate life having had such a tremendous loss.
Pulling away hurts her too. IMO, have an honest conversation with her about it because of not, she will just feel judged. I think that is what happened in my situation but I am not sure so I always question their (in-laws) motives. It is another loss to grieve.
Thank you for this! The timing is so on point. People seem to think that it’s too soon to date or that I’m replacing my husband of 28 years. No, I’m moving forward in life. I appreciate this article and others should read it!
Thanks, Terry!
Thank you so much for this!! I lost my husband April 2015… I’m in a new relationship now. I posted on FB about my late husband and a friend of my new guy went off on me about how I was being disrespectful to him and blah blah blah… I just don’t have the fight in me anymore to try to explain to someone who has no clue why my post was anything but disrespectful!! I’m sharing this on my wall and I will tag the friend and maybe he’ll get a clue!!
I hope it helped. You deserve every bit of happiness after such heartache
Just lost my de facto spouse 2 weeks ago & all this resonates with me. I’ll ALWAYS love him. Whoever comes next is going to have to share, that’s just how it works. Love doesn’t go away. Thanks for writing this.
Thanks, Dani. Love never dies!
I am so surprised to hear those stories of the children telling a widowed parent they shouldn’t date/marry again. Many of us get married in a church. “Till death do us part” What do they think that means? The Christian Scriptures encourage younger widows to marry again. And doesn’t tell older widows not to marry again.
Sadly I see adult children take such an unreasonable stance with widowed parent when it comes to dating. It truly breaks my heart.
I was very angry with my father and still rarely speak with him 13 months after my Mom has passed. I felt very disrespected after he invited his “new” girlfriend in to my family’s home during our first Thanksgiving without my Mom, not even 6 months after she had passed. Although we are adults, I felt as though he should have considered how much we were hurting still and allowed us to come together that day and reflect. I explained that I didn’t care that he was in a new relationship but more so the disregard for our grief and disrespectful to mom’s memory and the house they shared…which is also she had taken her last breathe.
My sisters stopped speaking to me when I asked to bring my new fella to our Christmas celebration after my husband died.
While they lost a brother-in-law, I lost my husband and life partner. They still don’t speak to me a year and a half later. Even through our Mother’s death three months ago.
The additional pain they have heaped upon me, at the worst time of my life, is I indescribable. Almost worse then the loss of my husband since they CHOOSE to leave me.
Please love your Dad. I understand your hurt, but he is doing what he needs to survive. He isn’t hurting anyone by loving again. Be happy for him and talk to him, cry with him, hold onto him. I beg you.
My second husband is also widowed. His first wife’s father died two years before she did. Her mother remarried about a year later. Her new husband’s two daughters thought it was “too soon” and disrespectful and wouldn’t speak to him or let him see the grandkids. My DH and his late wife were always supportive of their relationship and welcomed him to their family. In turn, they were supportive of our relationship and DH’s mother has always supported me as a mother to her grandchildren and said her daughter would have loved me. They recently came to visit and her husband came with a big packet of papers. He will be leaving his entire estate to my DH, I and our children and his biological daughters and their families will get nothing. How you treat people will be remembered.
So perfect, and I so needed to hear this. I have to admit that I have “accepted” as gospel those words of ones who can never know. My wife and I were together for seven years, and I lost her seven years ago. I tried love once in that time, and I honestly feel it failed at least partly because I sabotaged it. It was “too soon”. I heard it in my voice as well as so many others.
Thank you, Kerry.
Thanks. Be patient and kind to yourself. You may not have been ready at the time but when you are, I hope for nothing but complete happiness
My ex-husband was my first love, my first Everything. We had a daughter together. We divorced after 15yrs. We both moved on and married others. October 31,2015 he passed away suddenly. At that time we were best friends,talked to each other daily, had meals together with our new spouses and daughter… etc Even though we were divorced…I still loved him and I know he loved me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and miss him terribly. I know it’s a bit different with us being divorced, but it’s very true about your heart expanding and making room for more love. My love for my first husband will never die. I love my now husband with all my being…it’s a different love. We as humans are capable of loving many and no two loves will ever be the same.
Amen! And, people think because they aren’t the same kinda love then one is better. No, different doesn’t have to be a bad thing 🙂
I’m the “chapter 2” for a widower. We are lucky that we haven’t had to deal with much negativity and judgement on the speed of his moving forward – at least not from our friends and families. We met 2 months after she passed, and our love developed quite quickly from an easy friendship. I know he felt judged by some other women he became friends with after her passing. They would literally disappear after he told them. Judging him for having baggage – even though we all have baggage! My baggage just happened to be in the form of an ex husband and a small child.
I know I’m not a replacement for his first love. I never met her, but I feel like I know her from the anecdotes and photos and the stories. She and I are so similar, I can see why he loves us both. And I am honoured that he has the room in his heart for me too.
What a great attitude to have! “He has room in his heart for me too”. Love it!
I really appreciate this article. My husband died after a two year battle with brain cancer. The disease was terminal from the beginning, it was just a matter of how long. My first reaction was panic and my fear that I wouldn’t be able to do what would be needed for him. I think I grieved for the whole two years and when he died it was a release of suffering. I shocked some people by marrying again after just 18 months but I agree that it was a testament to my great husband that I wanted to try it again. My second husband and I have been married for 18 years now.
Until it happens to you is what I say to people. Congrats of your marriage!
Thank you so much for this. I lost my husband 20 months ago to cancer. The week after he died was our 37th anniversary. We were together for 40 years. I started seeing someone 9 months later, & I truely feel God placed us together. He is wonderful. I so understand the comment about loveing my new love one minute & crying for my husband 2 minutes later.
Ah, the joys of widowhood 🙁 Happy you’ve met a wonderful man
I lost my first love 15 years ago but was blessed to find my second love 11 years ago. Just read your blog for the first time & you captured the emotions so well. I learned through the dating process that I wanted someone who wouldn’t be upset to hear my first husband’s name. My first marriage is part of who I am & wanted someone who would accept me for that.
Great writing. Thank you for sharing what many of us are feeling and going through. UNeil someone has walked in our shoes, they shouldn’t judge.
If someone is able to find happiness again-I am for them.
*Until
You’re welcome. Exactly!
I lost my wife in 2014, it took a while to even consider the thought of dating. Last year I did meet someone and poured my heart into the relationship because the unconditional love you see when you lose someone is what I was looking for in the new relationship. I opened myself up to be in very vulnerable and it was very unfortunate to see a pattern of deceit that slowly emerged. We were married in November and I filed for divorce three months later. To love another will be difficult but I know in time that will change. I certainly don’t mean to be jaded, I tried to rebuild a family but one sided is impossible.
Sorry you had such a bad experience. I pray you have a much better experience the next time you venture back into the dating world
Bern, I am so sorry you had to go through that on top of the grief from losing your wife. That is just wrong, but just remember, not all women are like that. Take time to heal and reflect, and collect your bearings. You will know when the time is right…
I’m glad I found this. Thank you for putting into words what I’m feeling. Coming up on my one year anniversary and all sorts of emotions popping up. Some days I think I’m ready and some days I don’t think it’s possible. I just keep saying to myself it will happen when it’s supposed to.
Thanks! It will. Be patient with yourself
A beautiful friend sent me this and it is so well written and gives me the words if someone were to question me. My husband passed over 7 years ago and at the beginning of 2017 I started praying and asking God to revive my heart. Within a few short months I started to feel again and now I am looking forward to dating and hopeful God will send me that special man.
You are a blessing, thank you
Thanks, Mary. Prayers for a revived heart and a man deserving of it
I was widowed at 55. Dale knew he was dying songs told me that he wanted me to love a full life and not be alone. 3.5 yrs later I met LeRoy. He too was widowed. We were recently married.so many of ours friends wanted to share with us,that what was going to be a small wedding turned out to be 175 people and one huge party. We both mentioned in our vows how lucky we were to love again. How because of our lost loves we knew we wanted not to be alone,to find love and be loved again. My son’s and grandchildren love papa “Eroy”. All that you said inn the article is so true. Our”lates” are happy for us, we know this because we heave a plaid of cardinals that visit often.
Beautiful! Glad so many shared in your special day
I just came across this blog post today, as it was referenced in another post on Facebook. I lost my husband of 44 years (we married when I was 18 and he was 19) four years ago. I have just very recently started seeing someone I have known for a long time; he has been divorced 11 years. This article meant the world to me, as I have been struggling with the decision to start dating. Even though I am 67 years old, I am in excellent health and do not “feel my age.” Thank you for writing this in a way that made perfect sense!
You’re welcome, Janet. Glad it could help make sense of this crazy widowed life and dating 🙂
Just FYI, you’re wrong in believing parents who lose a child don’t hear about how they are “replacing” that child.
Best wishes and sympathies for your loss
Thanks, Sarah. As to “replacing”, the question was asked if a mother replaces a child to which I replied, “of course not!” I didn’t say it was not said to grieving parents. Thanks for reading.
Thank you for this. I’ve been widowed for 3 years. Im grateful that I am blessed enough to have been able to find love twice. 25 years the first time. And now. I hope this helps the man that I love now understands. What it’s like.
Thanks, Michelle.
Thank you for this article. I lost my husband if 18 years the day before Tuanksgiving last year. I have been dating a wonderfully good man for the past 3 months. I don’t know what will happen going forward, but I am sure many people think that I am dating too soon. I only know that I don’t feel so alone anymore and that I am happy. I am falling in love and grieving my husband…it is a hard thing to make sense of, it is a hard thing to explain. Your words have helped.
Yes, it’s hard dealing with the guilt, sadness, etc. People just don’t get it. I wish you and your new guy all the best.
I’m so sorry. My heart says I’m sorry for your loss and all that came unwelcomed with it but came none the less. I have no words but to say I send love to each of you.❤
Thanks so much, Candice!
This was the perfect article! Thank you..I lost my husband of 27 years from a peanut cookie. He was deathly allergic and there was a peanut in his cookie..This happened at a visit to my parents house. Dispite my efforts to save his life with Benadryl and Epi pen and 911..he died. This was on Feb 15, 2014. It was horrific.. I went to visit my parents with him and came home without him. Now I am dating a wonderful man. 1 yr and 9 mo. I struggle all the time with loving 2 men..i find my self talking to Chip all the time and he is dead!. I miss him terribly but that does not mean I can not love another..I am not the same women. I’ve changed a lot. And this is absolutely chapter 2! Thank you so much..
Hugs, JB. I can’t imagine how horrific that must have been. Those judging don’t get all that we go through. I wish you all the joy your heart desires in your new relationship
I am not a widow. I am happily married to someone I consider my soul mate. And because of this I feel that I really don’t get to judge people in a loss situation. My heart breaks for their sadness and supports their happiness and most definitely cheers if they are able to find more love in the world. Honestly I don’t think I could do it. I wouldn’t know how to get out of bed, take care of the dog, or take regular showers, let alone do anything that required rejoining the human race.
But. (There’s always a ‘but.’) While I have seen widows find love and happines again, I have always wondered what it meant in the cosmic sense. If they had met the second spouse first, what would have happened? Obviously no one can know for sure, but for the first time I feel like I “get” something about a situation that I clearly can never understand. You aren’t the same person you were before. You aren’t even the same person you would be if this loss had never happened. And I had been thinking about this all wrong. I was thinking in terms of ‘what if’ based on my current place in the world. But that’s a false equivalency. So thank you for teaching me something. You have given me a new understanding and I will use this lesson going forward.
I never would have dated my current husband when I met my first spouse. I’m a different person.
Glad to give you a different perspective, Caroline.
I lost my love of 21 years in a car accident at the age of 40, with two young kids at home to raise. Three years after, I wed again. Some said they’d be “too sad” to attend, some cut me off, others celebrated. I can’t control their feelings. I miss my first husband every single day, but he’d want me to live and love again. People who don’t get that are idiots.
Your comment made me tear up. They were too sad? Like your entire world hadn’t caved in on you? The nerve! Happy you’ve revived your heart and have those who celebrate that in your corner.
Hi Kerry- thanks for writing such a beautiful article. I can relate totally. I lost my husband of 22 years very unexpectedly in Dec. 2015. I have 2 teenagers that lost their dad. 7 1/2 months after he passed, I met someone and started dating him. Did I question everything about that? Yes! I felt really guilty. The hardest part though, was all of the negatives I heard from friends and family. I was judged pretty harshly by some. And I thought, how dare you- you didn’t lose your spouse! You get to go home to them every night, hug them just because, etc. I lost that and it hurt. I have now been with my boyfriend for almost a year and it is awesome to have love again. Thanks for saying what so many of us who have lost a spouse want to say.
So happy to hear that! They don’t get the torture we already put ourselves through for even thinking of dating. Glad my words are helping 🙂
I lost my husband of 30 yrs to cancer on 8/16/15 – There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him and I miss him. I met another man 9 months after my husbands death, and I am still with him. How do you know when you are ready to open your heart and life to another man? Part of me thinks I am moved too fast, the other thinks its OK to love another man again. I struggle with this all the time and I don’t know what to do. My children are ‘ok’ with me seeing someone else, but I think deep down they don’t like it and are just putting on the happy face for my benefit. My family is happy for me that I found someone that makes me feel alive and happy again. I know that my husband wouldn’t want me to be alone for the rest of my life. I guess I just need to take it one day and one step at a time. Grieving never stops, you just learn to get through it.
I think we all go back and forth about it being too soon. Listen to your gut. Be patient with yourself. Only you know when you’re ready. Take things one day at a time. If he’s a keeper, he’ll be understanding that this is new territory for you.
Hi Nancy,
I lost my husband to cancer this year on May 5th. I miss my husband daily too. My husband was never going to be getting better, he kept getting more and more cancer and he was soo ready to meet the lord. He was a warrior and fought the hard fight the last 3-4 years.
Once the funeral was over and I was on my own for a month or longer and knowing my husband wants me to be happy I took the initiative in June and went on a dating site to check it out. I was not expecting to meet someone but I did. I even went on other dates with other men but they were not what I was looking for.
You know when your heart is ready. The man I found has been with me since our first date in June and he has comforted me during the worst time of my life, took me to the cemetary, held me until I was done crying, and helps me with indoor and outdoor house projects. I have pictures up in my house of my late husband and he doesn’t say a thing, I can wear my wedding ring if I want and he does not care. Our last six months have been a testimony of fighting for love. It was a rollercoaster with me with my emotions, mentalness but in the end he never gave up on me. To this day he is still with me. I truly feel my late husband and God brought this man into my life knowing I was going to need him and not because I was lonely.
My late husband and I’s friends basically disappeared after he passed.
When there is great loss it changes everything. Friends quit coming around and calling, don’t know what to say or do, awkward.
I am soo blessed that God and my late husband brought this amazing man into my life, it hasn’t been an easy road but we have had a lot of fun and smiles and it feels so good to be able to do that again.
My n
My first husband was diagnosed with cancer when my younger son was 7 weeks old. I was widowed at 31 with two boys ages 4 and 2. I was lucky enough to find love again and have been happily married for the second time for 12 years. People judge – they think you are “over” your loss, they can’t understand why you can still be overwhelmed with grief at times. I will never be over it. I miss my first husband everyday and I always will. I also love my current husband with everything I have. Thank you for your essay, you nailed it. I’m thankful everyday that my heart was able to expand.
Thanks, Nancy. Happy you’ve been able to open your heart again despite the judgement
In 2013 my husband had a heart attack that should have taken his life. The only thing that saved him was that we at the last minute decided on a parents night out at a hotel in the city, 5 minutes from one of our main hospitals in Perth, Western Australia. Had we been home and he went to sleep he would not be lying next to me snoring away. After this happened the love we have for each other grew by infinite numbers and it brought home the pain I would suffer if he had left me that night. He is my best friend but I also know that he would hope that if I was left alone that one day someone could come along and teach my heart to love again. Who knows when then would happen and should we fight it because of an arbitrary number of months. I still shudder when I think of being alone and the I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you have all gone through, all I know is that no one should have to remain in that state of pain, my husband will be with me in every way regardless of whatever happens in the future, I only need to look into the eyes of my children.
I wish all of you the greatest amount of love and happiness ♥️♥️♥️
Thanks so much, Linda
Thank you so much for putting into words my thoughts daily. I lost my husband to suicide on December 28th, 2014 and found him on the 29th. The morning of the 28th he showed me how much he loved me with everything he still had in him. I still struggle with not seeing his pain because we were one. Together for 22 1/2 years married just shy of 15 years. I began parenting solo with a halo parent life style. I hate when someone refers to me as a single parent. My children still have both parents we are just doing life differently. My husband loved his kids and is with them when I can’t be. I spent a year working on my grief and new I had a lot of love to share with someone special. I began dating for the 1st time since I was 17 (ugh). I went on several dates and his signs would say this is not the right one. I finally got the sign this one was worth opening my heart too. I still have challenges with this relationship because his past is divorce. I was never divorced and don’t understand that path in life. He never had death of spouse and doesn’t understand loving two men. It is very true I love him differently that is no doubt. It scares me because I want to love and be loved the way I was. My best friend put it in great prospective to me and it helped. Your soul mate was the love of your life and he is the love of your future. I just wish he could understand those words. I don’t know if this relationship will be my forever again but I do know my husband will always be my 1st love and that love will last forever. I sometimes feel I don’t belong in this world because it doesn’t understand me. Why does society feel it is fine to be divorced and except talking about the x good or bad is acceptable but being widowed and speaking highly and loving your late spouse is awkward and unaccepted? I will keep loving because that is the heart God gave me. I will also share your words with the love of my future and hope he gets it when delivered from someone other than me.
Tammie, I hope my words will be of help to him too. Sometimes though, the way we were loved isn’t the right fit for where we are now and the person we’ve become. Be open to a love that may not necessarily look exactly like your former love but is just as great. Prayers for continued healing
Comparing children to the love we have for a romantic partner is comparing apples and oranges. We may have more than one child but we do not have more than one spouse unless you are living in a polygamist cult. We do not share romantic feelings for more than one man at a time.
I was widowed at 34 and I loved my late husband. I love the time we shared and the memories that we shared but my now husband, who is also a former widower, gets 100% of my romantic love, 100% of that part of my life. I also get 100% of his. I would not expect less and I would not respect a man who would accept less than 100% of me. We have our children and grandchildren, and yes, we love them all, but again, parental love is a very different animal from the love we share with a spouse. That love involves intimacy, something we do not share with children. It involves partnership, something we do not share with our children. Romantic love is just different and to assert that it is not is just not fact.
I loved and adored my late husband. I love the memories of the life that we shared. It took me 22 years to find another man to whom I could fully commit and give my whole heart to but he was so worth the wait! We both choose to live in the present. We think about our present and future. Our late spouses do not have a place in our marriage.
Thanks for your opinion and happy this thought process works for your marriage, Mairin. For many widows, we can respect the vows and sanctity of marriage while preserving the memories/love for our late spouses, especially where our children are concerned.
Me and my wife waa married for 24 great years before we went vacation to Missouri. We were on our final day. I had packed the SUV and she had came down and got in on passager side of the vehicle and i went side to get coffee as normal when i came out she was dead. I weeped and prayed at the hospital all night praying for anything to happen even thought the doctor said there was no use. I got and made the arrangement to have my wife sent home and informed my son his mom passed away and drove hardest 12 hour drive ive ever drove home. My life was devasted for a little over a year. I blamed myself and wished i hadbt went on that vacation then things changed and i found purpose to life threw Gods blessing i help with my neice being born, and found Kim who i dating now and have been for almost a year and half and we got to see my grandson together and i was there when he was born, so really good things miracles really do happen. Oh dont let me forget Kims two wonderful daughters who has welcome me into their family and surprisingly i have enough love for them, so in ending God will not give you more than you can handle beleive me. Gods love
Hugs, Richard. Happy you’ve found your purpose again
Yur words are so spot on Richard bless hope yur happiness continues 😊
Sometimes ignorance is bliss… My mother passed away in November 2015. Long battle with pancreatic cancer. Within a month I began hoping my dad would eventually find someone new. He deserves to be happy again.
I was shocked to find out that quite often, adult children have a very hard time with accepting their parents new partner. I mean I’m obviously concerned he may find someone who takes advantage of him, but for the most part I want him to be happy. I had a talk with my younger brother about it and he agreed, he wanted my dad to just be happy.
We sat him down and talked to him about it. You could almost see a weight lifted off his shoulders. He didn’t say it, but I have a feeling he was concerned how we would handle it and might have felt guilty if he was over his grieving and we weren’t.
You’ve given him such a gift. So many are burdened by children who refuse to even have a parent consider dating again. Thanks so much!
This brought tears to my eyes. I am now 83 years old and lost my husband 4 years ago after a 60 year marriage. One never gets too old to miss being loved, kissed and caressed. Since his death it has been very lonely. It is so lovely that you are finding love again..Even at my age, I wish I could also..
Thanks, Elinor. You’re right. Love is appreciated at any age. I work with retirement communities and I had a resident get remarried at 85 years old! She told me, “You’re never too anything for love!”.
Wow you hit the nail on the head. I recently lost my husband 2-weeks ago at 51 due to prostate and brain cancer. I’m 42 and never did I think I would be so alone like this and have to start over when it took us so long to find each other to start with. I don’t want to be alone but how does one venture forward without feeling guilty…and do I seek a widower or?
Honestly, I recommend keeping an open mind. Your new love may not be anything you picture in your mind right now. Consider joining our closed Facebook group. It’s a supportive community for those considering opening their hearts again – it’s not a dating site though. It’s a support group.
Thank you for this Kerry. You have no idea how much your words have touched me. I lost my husband of 34 years on May 19, 2015. He spent the last 14 months of his life in a hospital fighting to get better. In January of 2016 a friend of ours, who had been divorced for many years, would come to the house and fix things for me, would take me out to dinner or a concert and we were just two friends spending time together. At some point during 2016 the relationship progressed and we became more than friends. I have had people in my life stop talking to me or tell me outright they could no longer be friends with me because they felt that it was “too soon” and I shouldn’t be “happy” with someone else only a year after he was gone. I never expected to be with someone again, when he died I didn’t think I had it in me to start over with someone else. At one point before he died my husband asked me if I would ever get married again. I told him no, that I couldn’t see starting over with someone else after all these years. He said, “It makes me sad to think that you’ll spend the rest of your life by yourself.” My husband would be happy to know that I have a really good man in my life loving me and watching out for me. I don’t understand why people think it means I love my husband any less.
Exactly! Thanks for sharing and I’m so happy you’ve met a great man 🙂
THANK YOU for this, you speak to my heart. My husband died in 2016, he suffered an illness and I was given the gift of being able to take care of HIM for once, an treasure every day together. He had 2 years after his initial diagnosis. When he passed away even though I knew it was coming, I was crushed. At the beginning of the following year after holdiays and “hollowdays” I felt God telling me “get up! I left you behind, you must live here for now, I am not done with you”. An old friend and I, he also widowed about the same time, reconnected out of friendship and had not idea that that would blossom into. We BOTH “get it”. His loss of his wife was more unexpected but painful all the same. We have healed each other, brought eachother back to life, and are thankful for every single day. I hope many people read this and help others struggling to live thru their loss.
Thanks so much!
I love this article! I was widowed at 51 as a result of a farm accident. I met my second husband 14 months later. After realizing how short a life can be, I resolved I would follow my heart no matter what other people thought. There is no rule book for dating post loss. To this day, I believe my first husband placed this new man directly in front of me and said, “Here. Please love fully…..do not waste time grieving what was. Honor me by loving again”
And I did.
Kudos to you, Pam!
One never stops loving a beloved.
True!
I am not young. i am a widow. And I cannot EVER replace my husband. But I sure would enjoy someone to go to movies, concerts, and show openings with. AS they sang last night “Looking for someone to love”
Companionship is always great. I understand.
Thank you so much for these words. I lost my love just a year ago at age 35. He gifted me two amazing boys in our 12 years together and mostly I think of them and how they are dealing. I often forget to look within… although I know I’m not ready yet, reading this gives me so much hope for my future…one day maybe I will meet another man destined to love me and my boys so until then I will keep my heart open as it should be♡ Thank you again…much love
Glad the article was helpful, Shanna. Yes, keep your heart open <3
Getting married again after an unexpected divorce…we accept it then, that you can love again , “get on with your life” ..so why not as a widow.? .. Both are unplanned, a position you never imagined for yourself. Great thoughts.
Thank so much!
BRAVO! I am not in your situation, but I have an aunt who was married 40 years and then a few years later married another wonderful guy and was blessed with 16 years. I am glad that your site is there to encourage others.
I’d like to share a poem that I wrote in honor of that second marriage. Maybe some others would like it.
Love, Once Again
By, Sharon L. Bratcher
Written in honor of the marriage of my Aunt to Charley,
after each had been widowed.
I once knew love,
It flourished so.
For years and years
That love did grow.
O, hateful death
To hurt me so,
The dark abyss
Of grief to know.
New love! You
Understood this too.
Now we are blessed
With joy, anew.
Beautiful! We shared it on our public page, giving you full credit of course! Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/YoungWidowedAndDating/photos/a.1648391502078068.1073741828.1648316705418881/1909644155952800/?type=3&theater
I love this post and it rings so true. It gives me hope.. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband’s fatal car accident. My husband and I were married 13yrs 5mo and 11days. I have 2 amazing daughters that remind me of his love daily. I was asked out on a date just 10 days ago and am not ready for that step. I have been pushing myself trying to heal faster and have realized I am on no time table.
I enjoyed all the comments of the Beautiful Love Stories. I have been inspired and am hopeful for “Chapter 2” to sweep me off my feet.
Depressed living in the PAST
Anxious living in the FUTURE
Peace is achieved when living in the PRESENT <3
Thanks, Kay. Yes, you’re right. There is no timetable so don’t feel you have to push yourself to heal faster. I love that. Peace is in fact living in the present <3
Going on 20 years n still n always will be in love with my dearest husband ..with another 2 years come Christmas n i love him but it is a very different kind of love it isn’t the whole heart kind that was my once in a lifetime love ..but God did bless me with another n he is wonderful ..
Different isn’t always a bad thing 🙂 Happy to read you’ve found happiness again
Spouses can be replaced, children cannot be replaced. The relationship dynamic is different as most are not intimate with their children. Your former spouse did not have pictures up or stories told of some other man that you were intimate with and your spouse deserves that same level of respect. Your former spouse wasn’t in a polygamous marriage and your spouse deserves their own, separate marriage. Unless you married for sex and companionship and the real love died with the former spouse. Most people marry for love and to have a committed relationship. “Chapter 2” is not loving it is offensive. Did you tell your former spouse about how they were second to someone else? Different books for different seasons of life.
MK, thanks for sharing an alternative view. “Chapter 2” is based on the title of a movie about a widower so that is where the term seems to have originated. It’s offensive based on your standards and not all agree with you. I reserve the right to love my late-spouse and my partner. Loving someone who has lost a spouse isn’t for everyone. Thankfully, there are some pretty amazing people out there who understand our grief/pain and love us in spite of it 🙂
Yes, to each its own. I’m another one of those fighters for life and happiness. That’s why my husband married me. He always liked that I was not a conformist, but a woman who would “grab life by the horns” and would not do as others say I should. He proposed after a week of knowing me. We had a blast for short 4 years. Now, he is hopefully in Heaven and is happy watching me, his widow, trying to re-build the life here on Earth. I choose to believe that we progress to the level where there is no jealousy, judgement or negativity; if not in this life, than hopefully when the souls move to the next level. Hope there is only pure love and happiness where he is. The former spouse is not here on this planet, and nothing is bringing him back. The Widow is still alive, and has no other choice than to live until God takes her. I’ve married my husband for pure love. He was my twin flame. However, he had moved on and I’m here. In his will he wrote that he wanted me to be happy. If he would want me to live alone and grieve for the rest of my life, he would not be the man I have chosen. He would be a very selfish person who would not deserve my live, life or time. So, I choose to keep his memory and love for him in my heart forever, and I can love another man too. There never will be a replacement, but I have so much love left in me! What not to share?! The new guy will not be having left overs. He will have his share of love as another child would in mother’s heart. After this horrific experience, I know that I have to keep my heart open. I became even more brave and independent. Would my husband want me to be a masochist and mentally put myself into the grave with him? I doubt that very much. So, what makes Chapter 2 offensive? What polygamous marriage has to do with this situation? I was married “until death do as part.” I’m not married any longer. Death took care of it. If I could tell something to my former spouse, he would not be former. He would be here with me. I can talk to him all I want, but his body is not here and he can’t answer. I can keep talking and be diagnosed mentally ill. It is not my choice to be left alone here. Not my choice that he is DEAD. But, I can make a choice and continue living and giving love and happiness instead of closing myself up and be another bitter human being. ~ Adri, a middle age Widow (Live, Laugh, Love, and bring Light to the world)
Your words just brought the tears flooding. My husband (of 16 years) has been gone almost 3 years now. I started dating someone within a few months and we spent two years together. He understood my intense love and my overwhelming pain. He allowed me the space to live and to grieve my husband. Maybe it was too soon, but who’s to say what is the right path? I’ve heard the comments and negativity too. Your article is beautiful. Thank YOU.
Thanks so much, Wendy. Happy to read you have such an amazing partner.
That is exactly what I needed to hear today, my late husbands birthday is tomorrow! He would have been 25. We were married on November 13, 2015. Married for 8 months and 13 days. He died in a work accident July 26, 2016. I became a widow 2 days after my 23rd birthday in 2016 and a mother August 18, 2016 the last year has been rough but the child the Lord has blessed us with on our honeymoon has been a lifesaver for me.
I have been terrified what people might think when I moved forward and started dating and reading your post, which a friend had sent me gave me a little hope.
Hugs. People will talk regardless so might as well follow your heart <3
Thank you so much for this. I live with daily guilt of how to love someone new and still honor the man that was the love of “that” life for 17 years. I deal with the guilt of hurting his family and the nasty comments of those who feel that I have forgetting him. They will Never understand the pain of losing your best friend and partner….or the future you had planned together. This is beautiful and so comforting. Thank you.
Thanks, Cory. You’re right: some will never get it. We just have to Iive our best life.
It’s all about learning to love again after such heart ache. The same can hold true for those of us divorced. Loving is what makes us human! Loving helps us pull through the most horrific times in our lives. May you keep love in your heart and be happy.
Thanks, Jessica. To you as well 🙂
Thank you,
I lost my husband Jan 4th of 2018. He had Cancer.
Was so sad watching him slowly leave me. I love him more than words can explain, My heart hurts so bad. I miss him terribly. We were married for 14 awesome years. But lived together 10 years before we married.
This is the hardest thing ever.
Any how thanks for listening.
Hugs, Becky. Consider a widow support group if you haven’t already reached out to one. They can be a great resource, especially in those early months.
My husband passed on April 28, 2018. He had been sick for 3 years.
I so agree with you. I entered widowhood December 25, 2015 @ 9:44 am. I am became a different person on that day. It mad me appreciate every day, every moment and fiercely and unconditionally love those in my life. I judge less and don’t sweat the small stuff. I have learned that life is so short and too precious to worry about things that you can’t change. I’m learning the new me and very impressed that I’m surviving despite of my loss. I miss and love my husband deeply. But I know that I have a lot of love to give. When God is ready for me to meet my “chapter 2” there will be so much that I will not take for granted. No I’m not replacing my husband and no one could fill the steps he left in my heart for they are secured safely, but I know my heart is open love again and to make new to make new steps. So when “chapter 2” comes along I will welcome him for who he is and what we bring to each other lives
Hi,
I lost my husband 4 years ago. We were married for 11 years, and those were the best years of my life. Although you never forget, we have to move forward. My family is not open to me dating again, yet alone remarrying. But I am. I hope to find a special person that I can spend the rest of my life with.
Hope you’ll live your life on your own terms and do what makes your heart sing.
Hi Noemi,
I am in the same situation as you. I lost my husband May of this year, we were married 16.50 years and we were together since June 1999. I Loved him and still love him. We will always have our special connection.
He knew he was leaving this earth and he hold me he wants me to be happy again and he told his best friend that.
I am dating again and my heart said it was time and it’s been great.
My family says we want you to be happy but not date for years down the road.
They are not on my timeline. They have no idea what it is like to lose their spouses.
I hope you are open to dating and getting married again. You deserve it. No matter
what family tells you, follow your heart!! You won’t go wrong!!
My wife and I had 31 years of being married. She had a 3 year battle with cancer. She told me she wanted me to move forward and find someone to love and cherish as I had loved her. I met my girlfriend, best friend, and companion 5 months ago. She lost her husband of 20 years to cancer and has a similar story as mine. Her husband encouraged her to find someone also. We became connected on a dating website 30 minutes after I had joined it. We are both different than our loved ones who had passed but are souls connected to each other because of the love that we had for spouses. We never thought either of us could love again. But we were proven wrong. Do not give up on matters of love and the heart.
That’s awesome. So glad you found each other!
I was married almost 29 to my 1st husband, he was sick for a long time with Parkinsons and then ALS. He encouraged me to move on and date after he passes, I was 52. I was remarried 2 yrs later to a wonderful man who I’d known for years… unfortunately he had a heart attack and passed away 3 months later. That was 2 years ago this month. I have now met a man who’s wife also passed away from ALS also, so we understand each other’s past. Taking things slowly as I am very nervous about more loss…
Happy for you, Peggy. All the best with this new relationship.
It’s coming up to my husband’s 1st anniversary, I have been asked out but am afraid of offending family ,I wll never stop loving or missing him ,we had 30 years together through thick and thin ,I’ve just turned 50 and he would have wanted me to be happy ,But I always fear of what people say and think x
Life is short. We know that first hand. Follow your heart (plus, they will talk regardless) 🙂
I lost my husband 7 months ago. March 4, 2020 marked 7 long anguishing months. I lost my husband due to a very tragic death. He was killed in our airplane. We were best lovers, best friends, always side by side. We left handwritten love letters 2-3 times a week for many years. He left me still young vibrant and healthy. I miss him every day, every minute, every second of the day. Have yet to carry on one single conversation without mentioning his name. I am constantly being accused of having “boyfriends”.. I have male security guards. Infidelities never once occurred in our marriage. Can’t imagine what the “haters” would accuse me of if I actually had a male friend. What if I did actually decide to date?
Big hugs, Melissa. I have come to realize that people will talk regardless so it’s best to just do what makes me happy.
This was just the most amazing thing that I have ever read and meant so much to me as it takes the words and feelings right out of my heart <3
THANK YOU
So glad it was helpful, Andrea.
Wh is it always about the widow? No disrespect but men lose their wife’s . The man struggles the same. While many young adult children encourage the widow in her new relationship that’s not the case when their mother passes .
Hi Mark. No offense taken. I am WIDOW though so I post my personal blog from my perspective. I don’t discount the challenges faced by widowers. There are great widower bloggers that I’ve come across that strictly deal with the male point of view. Unfortunately, some adult children also frown at the thought of mom dating again post-loss.
I lost my longtime girlfriend on January 4th of this year. The EMTs were pretty sure to a heart attack at the age of 38. It was so sudden and shocking. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her at some point. Some days are still so hard where something will remind me of something we did together or a vacation we took and the tears and grief come out of nowhere!
So sorry, Erik. Big hugs.