Tupak Shakur and the Notorious B.I.G.

Elton John and Madonna

Hillary Clinton and The Donald

While I certainly expect there to be “beefs” in music and politics, I never expected to see so many widow beefs.

This widowed group has a problem with that widow because she wasn’t legally married when her soulmate died. That widow has an issue because a widower who lost his husband was allowed entry into their prestigious club.

I don’t know about anyone else but it’s a club to which I wish I didn’t belong. There are no medals for being the widowed-est member. You aren’t given a litmus test to determine how “widowed” you are. We are all in this together, regardless of the circumstances that led to our losing a piece of our heart.

If you’re reading this and wondering how someone who knows firsthand the sting of others’ judgement would then turn around and do the same thing to a fellow widow, then I’m not talking to you. No, I’m talking to that other widow you know. The one who thinks her loss is greater than yours. Who looks down her nose at you, wondering why you’re still grieving when you “didn’t even have children together”. The one who bashes you for wanting to experience love again. Who tells you that she loves her late husband so much that she can’t imagine how you could be “moving on” by wanting to date.

Yes, that’s the widow I’m talking to.

The widow who each time my blog posts are shared by a third-party widowed page, skips the fact that I’ve poured my heart and hurt into a piece and only focuses on the name of my site: Young, Widowed & Dating.

Yes, I am all of those things.

While it certainly isn’t a requirement to join my support group, those in the group who are dating absolutely reserve the right to do so without feeling judged, especially by another widow.

Inevitably, I see comments under my articles such as “They are dating?!?!?!?”. Why, yes we are! And I want to warn you before you get the news from anyone else: Some of us are involved in hot, steamy, and passionate relationships. Yup, we sure are!

It’s incredulous to me that many of us never knew a young widow until we became one and then we have the audacity to be rude, unkind, unsupportive and dismissive to a fellow widow. You know what it’s like. You know the struggles we face. You know how we are often each other’s only support system.

How dare you feel I’m not widowed enough? Why is that even a thing?

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We are all on this raft together, floating along an unknown sea of grief. Our goal should be to pull as many widows/widowers onto the vessel. To save each and every one of us from going under and drowning. It’s not a race to the finish line. You don’t get to your joy by throwing me overboard. You don’t heal by causing hurt.

The next time you want to call out another widow for making choices you wouldn’t personally make; announce your departure from a group simply because an unwedded widow was added; or shame a widow for enjoying her Chapter 2, I hope you’ll realize that those are YOUR issues being projected onto others.

Perhaps you aren’t ready to live your life with as much boldness as the widow in your cross-hairs. Maybe you’re slightly jealous that she’s found happiness again—whether through a new hobby or a new man or even within herself.

You aren’t expected to agree with everything but please be supportive and understanding and when all else fails, rely on the teaching you learned as a child: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.