A bit over a year ago—nearly 4 years post-loss—I thought I was ready to jump back into the world of dating. After setting up my dating profile, I was inundated with messages. I was “fresh meat”. After sifting through, I complained about each of the senders. His grammar was terrible. He seemed boring. He was too short. He was wearing denim shorts in his profile picture (yes, denim shorts are a thing for me). The list was endless. After some time, I realized the issues (well most of them at least), weren’t with the guys. It was ME. I was in search of my late-hubby.

I took a step back to reflect.

A couple months later, I hopped back into the online dating world with a new attitude. I can’t say I was 100 percent into it as I’d hoped to meet my Chapter 2 guy the same way I met my hubby: randomly walking down the street. This online dating stuff was hard work!

I read someplace that women who take the first step often have more success so I decided to be bold and reached out to a cute older gentleman standing in a book store. The photo spoke to my love of reading and writing so I sent a quick note. He replied within a few hours and we communicated daily via the dating the site.

Eventually we exchanged numbers (that took quite some time as my obsession with all things crime-TV makes me super cautious). I told him my story of unexpectedly losing my hubby and he seemed understanding and patient, realizing this was my first time even thinking about another guy since the death of my husband.

He accepted that I wasn’t quite ready to take off my wedding ring and didn’t make it an issue. He also didn’t complain when I mentioned my late spouse. In fact, he asked questions and allowed me to vent when I was having bad days.

A few months in, we realized we had fundamental differences, which would ultimately affect any shot of whatever we were doing being a long-term relationship. After about seven months, we were both relegated to the “friend zone”.

I always like to look for the lessons in each situation. What did my first post-loss “relationship” teach me?

The biggest takeaway was that I was capable of receiving love from another man – despite it not looking exactly like the love I had with my husband. I learned that though my heart is full of love for my spouse, there is enough room to let in someone new. (And the most practical lesson was that hitting Ctrl + Z undid the last action taken while on the computer. Seriously, where has this shortcut been all my life?)

I wanted to know what other widows learned after their break up – the good, bad and the ugly. They shared the following:

“I learned that I wasn’t cheating on my spouse by moving on and that I was capable of having awesome sex again! It was also big learning that I could be loved by another man. For some reason in my head I thought I was now damaged goods and that no one would love me like my husband did.” – Billie

“Do not compare your new person to your spouse. Do not compare your new relationship to the relationship with your spouse. They are new and different and unique and they are each their OWN.” – Destiny

“I gave way more to that relationship than he ever did. I learned the signs of what to look out for when being taken advantage of and a lot about give and take.” – Katie

“I learned that I could truly be loved for who I am. I also learned not to settle. The man I dated was such the opposite of my husband and he was very kind to me. He just didn’t have his stuff together and expected me to always bail him out financially. As a single mommy with two kids I couldn’t do that but I held on to the relationship for 9 months because he truly loved me and his family was kind to me (It was a constant battle of trying to be accepted by my husband’s family; I was never good enough). My husband was a great provider with an impeccable work ethic. I learned to not accept anything less than someone with at least the positive qualities my husband had.” – Tisha

“That everything has changed since I met my husband in 1994 and that I have no idea how to break up with decent guys that just aren’t for me. Also, that it’s okay to just have a [friends with benefits], have awesome sex and enjoy another person’s touch.”– Julie

“I learned that I will never again put the majority of the effort into a relationship and will not let a man take advantage of my kindness. I don’t regret the relationship, although it was probably too early. I learned that I will not settle. I just wish I would have ended things sooner…would have saved myself time and money.” – Karen

“The most valuable lesson I learned is the heart can grow and love again. The love will be similar but different.” – Kristie

“I am a different person from when I met my husband, and different things are attractive to my present self, after the experiences that I have.” – Jessica

“Unfortunately, I learned that I can’t trust people. I learned that my late husband truly loved me and I won’t settle for any less just to be married again. I also learned that I won’t roll up into the fetal position and die because I’m not married anymore. I am a strong, independent woman!” – Janet

“I learned to trust my instincts. I thought things felt weird in my first relationship because I hadn’t dated anyone other than my husband. Later, I realized there were red flags I should have paid attention to. Now I listen to my gut feelings.” – Julie

“I learned that I can love, laugh, smile, cry and just be normal again. I learned not all men are screwed up and that there was actually someone out there to love me again and accept me and what I went through.” – Linda

“I learned that I could trust and be soft again. I learned that sex can be as good or better than with my husband. I learned that I can experiment with dating different people and that rejection or a break up won’t kill me. It was very, very hard to break up and it triggered a lot of grief but I rebounded quickly. I’m still friends with my first relationship post loss even though that is sometimes difficult. It’s been a great experience for me.” – Jenny

“My lesson would be to remember that you don’t have to make the relationship work. It’s not like when you are married and you work through everything. If it’s not working that early on, you can walk away.” – Lisa

“The number one lesson I learned is that I’m capable of far more than I ever imagined and the happiness/success/love factor is entirely up to me…how much I’m willing to put into working towards what I want. Basically, this is my journey and only dependent upon my wants and needs.” – Daphne

What lesson(s) have you learned from your first post-loss relationship?

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.