Shannon* was excited. She’d spent the last two months chatting with a handsome military man and tonight they were scheduled to have their first date. It didn’t matter that it was a virtual one. If things went well, an in-person date wouldn’t be far off. He just needed to complete his tour and then he’d be back stateside.

She walked by her bathroom and popped in to make sure her make-up was flawless. It was her first virtual date though not her first time looking for love online. She’d met her husband 20 years ago on an online dating site. They’d had a fairy-tale marriage until his death two years ago. It worked then, so why not give it another shot, she figured.

Shannon looked at the clock. 10:05. Ten minutes to go…

It would be 5:15 a.m. in Aleppo. Tony had promised he’d be up so the time difference wouldn’t be an issue.

As the clock inched closer to 10:15 p.m., Shannon reflected on their last conversation. He’d talked about his dreams of opening a jewelry store and finding his one true love. Shannon’s mind drifted off before she looked back at the clock…10:20 p.m.

Tony was late. Though she was disappointed, she had known there was a possibility he might not make their date. He’d told her that the cellular phone she purchased for him might not clear customs in time for their date.

At 11 p.m., she decided to call it a night and signed out of Skype. As she logged out, she got a notification saying she had a new email. It was Tony.

“Just thinking of you baby I borrowed from friend a phone just to message you I could hardly sleep so hot with bombing all around miss you Chat tomorrow”

Shannon smiled. It was nice that he was so thoughtful.

As she prepared to log out of her email, she wondered just how hot the temperate in Aleppo was. Poor Tony, he must be burning up she thought.

She did a search on Google and was surprised at the results: 32 degrees.

Did she spell Aleppo correctly? This time she typed in Aleppo, Syria. The results were the same: 32 degrees.

Alarm bells began to sound in her head. She re-read their emails—from their first encounter on Plenty of Fish to his suggestion that they communicate via personal email. There were tons of emails. They’d chatted quite a bit over that 60 day period.

The more she read, the louder the alarms became. Soon they were blaring.

Why had she needed to ship the phone to Ghana instead of directly to Aleppo? Did his commander actually have a meeting with the United Nation in Accra and would it in fact be easier for the phone to be retrieved there? What about the incident with Tony’s favorite niece? He wanted to send her a birthday present but he realized his credit card had expired while he was overseas. He’d asked Shannon to purchase a gift card and send it to his niece.

Then Shannon began to wonder why, having lived in the United States since the age of 17 (he was born born in Germany), was his English still so choppy. He was now 39.

Were those all lies?

But…he seemed so sincere. Their conversations were never sexual in nature and he respected the fact that she was widowed. He was willing to take things as slow as she needed.

Unsure of the many questions that swirled in her mind, Shannon went to bed.

The next morning, she was still uneasy about Tony. She copied a few lines from his emails and pasted them into Google. She stared at the computer. There were Tony’s words…line by line. But, they weren’t from Tony. They were from a man named Paul. Shannon looked up at the page’s URL: www.romancescam.com.

It was there that she learned she wasn’t the only person “Tony” had conned. She quickly called the delivery company and was grateful to find out the phone had not yet delivered. She explained how she’d be scammed and thankfully the phone would be returned, less shipping fees.

The financial toll to Shannon was $850. The emotional and mental toll? Devastating!

Please don’t for a moment think Shannon is alone. Many widows are often ashamed to come forward and share their story. Because of this, we don’t know what warning signs to look out for when venturing into the online dating world.

If you’ve been a victim, share your story! Report it. Help spread the word about these scammers.

In order to protect yourself from becoming a victim of these unscrupulous people, please consider the following:

1. Watch out for broken English, especially from someone who claims to be born and/or raised in the United States;
2. Communication with little to no punctuation is another red flag;
3. Use Google Voice or similar phone app to avoid having to provide your actual phone number;
4. Think twice about using screen names that include identifying information (i.e. TopekaCutie050575);
5. Remember when you provide someone your full name, he/she can easily Google your address, contact information, etc. One widow even had a scammer use Google Earth to send pictures of her home to try to intimidate her into sending him money;
6. If he provides you his full name, run his name through a public records site such an intelius.com. Put in your own information too. You’ll be surprised at what you’ll find;
7. Don’t immediately become social media friends with anyone you meet, especially online. They have access to your photo, friends, employer, etc.;
8. Often, a scammer’s page will get deleted. Facebook, POF, Match, etc., will have gotten a report about this person (you aren’t the only person they are trying to con). The scammer will then contact you from a different profile claiming a mistake was made or they are a one-woman kind of man and want to focus on you;
9. Pay special attention to his communication. Scammers tend to ask vague questions. They have so many cons going, it may be hard to personalize text exchanges. For example, they may simply ask, “How was your day?” despite your mentioning the day before that you had to give a major presentation. They won’t ask “How did your big presentation go for the prospective new client?”;
10. Take note of if your name is used during text exchanges. Are you simply, “Babe”, “Honey”, “Sweetie”? These scammers have hundreds of women they are “working”. They don’t have time to learn your name. You’re just “Sweetheart”…one of 200 unfortunately;
11. Scammers ALWAYS have a sob story. He is trying to smuggle their inheritance out the country; he is the lone survivor after seeing his entire family murdered; he was on his way to visit you but the government confiscated his passport, etc.;
12. Beware of what’s called “dry begging”. The scammer won’t say, “Can you loan $200?”. It’ll be more like “I really want to be able to book my ticket to come home before the rates go up. I don’t get paid until the 15th of next month though;
13. If he’s sent you photo(s), try doing a reverse Google image look up (Note: I have only been able to do this via my computer; not on my mobile device). You’ll be able to see other places the photo appeared online including sites warning about potential scammers;
14. Follow your gut. If you feel uncomfortable or suspicious, immediately block all communication;
15. For men claiming to be in the military: A) Consult with your military friends. If something sounds weird or suspicious, ask a military contact.  B) Keep in mind that if he’s in a conflict zone especially, the possibility of his being actively involved on a dating site is practically nonexistent. Their IP address can’t be disclosed due to safety concerns. C) Military personnel get their funds deposited directly into their bank accounts. There should be no need to send him money. D) For those claiming to be in the states, ask what base? A quick Google search will give you insights about the base. E)  If a packet is being mailed to military personnel, there is no need for the packet to be re-routed anyplace else to circumvent customs rules.

You can learn additional tips on how to stay safe, especially when online dating by reading two previous blog entries: “Widowed Status Often Attracts Scammers” and “Online Scammers Target Your Wallet Then Heart“.

*Details of the story have been altered

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.