The holidays can be difficult for those missing a spouse. Gone are the thoughts of cutesy family photos and holiday cards. Instead, they’ve been replaced with obituaries, wills and memories.
“I wish I could just skip the holidays!” is a sentiment shared among many in the Young, Widowed & Dating Support Group. In fact, their children are the only reason any attempt is even being made to usher in the holiday spirit.
Since you can’t fast-forward through Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas or Kwanzaa, you’ll have to get through it.
Don’t feel obligated to do everything the way you’ve done it prior to the loss of your spouse. Do what you can without putting any additional burdens on your shoulders. It’s hard enough being without your husband.
“It’s okay to create new traditions,” said Ryan, a member of the YW&D group. “Sometimes the old ones are just too painful to keep so we adapt, change what we want, and make the holidays a little easier.”
Ryan and fellow widows recently shared their advice on surviving the holiday season:
“My kids and I decorated a tree at the cemetery for my husband; a little mini one. One of the ornaments was a heart that had a latch on it. We each picked a mini charm that represented us individually – even the dog – and put it inside the heart, latched it shut and tucked it in close to the trunk of the tree.” – Suzannah
“We now add a set of angel wings to our tree each year when we pick ornaments that describe our year. It’s a tradition I always do for the kids and when they grow and go they will have their own ornaments that are symbolic from each year.” – Ryan
“The cemetery where my husband is buried sets out 10,000 luminaries the week before Christmas and hosts an evening of remembrance. The kids make ornaments for their remembrance tree and then they have hot chocolate, cookies and a classic Christmas movie in the chapel area. I think it is such a healthy way to remember loved ones who have passed and it is beautiful to see all the luminaries throughout the entire cemetery.” – Stacy
“My daughter and I have our own small special Christmas tree in my parent’s house, with just our own special ornaments we add to every year. I also have a couple special ornaments on it in remembrance to my husband/her daddy. We stick his framed picture under it as well.” – Kristen
Gather with Loved Ones
“I spend the holidays with friends and family, especially where there are a lot of kids to watch open presents. I also volunteer at our Urban Center and help feed the homeless on Christmas day. I do have down time. During that time I pray, talk to my husband, my parents, and anyone else that has passed in my life.” – Tammy
Be of Help to Others
“I concentrated on others that first Christmas: my son and my family. I admit I was still a ghost of my former self. My mom suggested I put up my own tree (I was living with my parents at that point) and I just concentrated on others. Every year gets a little easier but when I find myself going to that place, I concentrate on others.” – Katie
“Do for others. It might be considered avoiding or diverting, but I have to do whatever it takes to remain sane for my kids. And, I honestly feel somewhat alive when I can put a smile on someone else’s face.” – Leslie
“My kids and I buy ornaments for the hospice tree. We always purchase gifts for kids in need and donate them in [my late husband’s name]. My kids each choose new ornaments for the tree and each picks a new one that reminds them of daddy.” – Daphne
“It’s hard and we will be sad and miss [my husband] very much. My grandma was widowed at 59 (she lived to be 96). She had a servant’s heart. She is my example. We will work in some extra special good deeds during the holidays because as much as it sucks, there’s always someone else that could use some good cheer.” – Susan
“For Christmas, we had a special ornament made for my husband. The kids and I also picked a family to donate to and we went shopping together for them. We changed things up and had my brother and his wife come and spend the night and we all wore matching pajamas. My husband loved little cokes in the glass bottle and he used to get them in his stocking. We still hung up his stocking and he got little cokes. We all had one and said a favorite memory while drinking one. We also made sure to hang up his favorite ornaments and play his favorite carols. Last year we took a trip before Christmas to just get away. I have found the days leading up to a holiday are much worse than the day itself.” – Robin
Spend the Holidays as You Wish
“We spent the first holiday (Thanksgiving) at a relative’s homes out of state. We went to museums and monuments. My therapist recommended altering my focus and it was a good distraction. At Christmas, I did not put up our special tree; just couldn’t do it. The older kids tried and I made them take it down. On Christmas, my mom got me the cutest pink tree and had it at her house decorated for me as a surprise. I didn’t do a single thing that I didn’t want to do. I didn’t try to please anyone. I apologized for nothing and told everyone not to expect anything from me (not gifts, just presence). I took care of ME. I did not cook. I did not want to think. It’s over five years out and the holidays are still hard. I don’t decorate my home, but I go to my mom’s where she decorates enough for 10 houses. I put on a smile and fake it till I make it. My life will never be the same, but I still have to live it…baby steps.” – Victoria
“Last year I took my kids to my in-laws for two weeks. It was great. I drank every day and slept in. I didn’t feel guilty about making them take care of my kids. We hadn’t seen them since the funeral…almost two years.” – Virginia
“Celebrate [your spouse]. Don’t ignore their absence! If a memory comes to mind, tell it. Laugh, reminisce, cry if needed, talk about the joy they brought to this world. Act like they are still here and they will be!” – Chelle
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
