You may think losing a spouse makes one give up on love. It can. But for many in the widowed community, it creates a deeper appreciation for life. It makes us realize that life was meant to be lived and to embrace people and things that make our heart smile. That may include at least being open to the possibility of dating and/or remarriage.

I recently spoke to a group of six widows who met their current partners in different ways. Read an excerpt from their Chapter 2 love stories below:

Cara and Andrew*: Met Through Friends/Family

Age you were widowed?
35

How long have you been widowed?
13 months

How long into your widowed journey did you feel you were ready to date?
I started dating five months after my husband’s death. There was not really a feeling that I got. It was a decision. I made a decision to live. I wanted to honor him by living my best life. I knew he always wanted me to be happy. I decided I would just date occasionally for sanity…nothing serious…just a movie or dinner here and there. I knew I was ready because of the relationship my husband and I had. We had been separated off and on for 3 years. We didn’t know if we would ever be able to get back to where we were. We had been going through a cycle of unhappiness for years. I wanted to be happy.

How long have you and your new partner been together?
We’ve been together officially three months, but began dating and exploring being in a relationship eight months ago.

Did you tell friends/family you were ready to date or did they play matchmaker on their own?
Several of my husband’s male friends cornered me and said it was time. They said I needed to find love again. His best friend, who knew of our issues, wanted me to be myself again. I didn’t tell them then that I had decided to date.

Do you recommend widows/widowers make it known to friends and family that they are starting to date and may need them to play Cupid? Why or why not?
I don’t recommend making it known to friends or family. Some will be discouraging because they are not ready to accept you dating. They may feel it’s too soon or have their own personal opinions about you dating. I also don’t think they need to help you find a new mate. Only God knows what you need in your life. They may pick a person based on what they view you want or need. For example, my friends may have chosen a man for me that was like my husband. I don’t want to date another man that has the negative qualities my husband had. I don’t want to have a constant reminder of that relationship other than the one I already have.

Nicole and Gregg: Met Through A Grief Support Group

Age you were widowed?
32

How long have you been widowed?
Nearly 2 years ago

How long into your widowed journey did you feel you were ready to date?
I was not expecting to date for a long time after I lost Ernesto. I became friends with a widower in my grief group. He was not my type at all (and the opposite of my husband), but really grew on me over time. I agreed to go out with him 13 months after my husband died. I wasn’t sure if I was ready, but spending time with Gregg made me realize I was. We tried to take it slow but be open to natural progression. There are five kids between us and we wanted to be sensitive of their feelings.

How long have you and your new partner been together?
We have been dating for eight months.

Have you found that it has helped/hurt that both of you have lost spouses?
It has definitely helped that we both share grief journeys. If I’m having a bad day, he gets it. We are both understanding and accepting of our deceased spouses’ pictures and belongings in each other’s homes. Our kids are at different ages and stages of grief but it’s so nice to cry to him when one of them is having a rough day.

It can be hard to not dwell on our former spouses/marriages. How do the two of you strike the right balance between acknowledging that you’ll forever mourn your spouse but realizing that you have each other and need to live in the present…together?
I think we both are very different from the previous person’s spouse. It helps not to compare but accept and appreciate what we have with each other. He is not a replacement, but a whole new chapter in my life. We both make it a priority to learn about the other’s spouse. We feel it’s very important in helping to preserve their memory for the kids. We incorporate things our spouses liked and did into some of our days spent together. As crappy as our situations were that brought is together, I’m so happy to have met him.

Tammy and Steven*: Met at Work

Age you were widowed?
47

How long have you been widowed?
2 years ago

How long have the two of you been together?
Two years. Though we are not officially engaged, we talk about our future. All our families and friends are aware and have accepted it. We stay at each other’s homes on and off but haven’t moved in together.

How long into your widowed journey did you feel you were ready to date?
I went back to work one month after being widowed. Three months into my widowed journey I started dating my coworker. I honestly didn’t feel ready for it but he was very supportive and allowed me to talk.

Was there office gossip and how did you deal with it?
There was none for first three months as we were very discreet but once word got out, oh boy! People took sides. The supportive coworkers were very happy for both of us and those who were upset were very vocal and made his life a living hell. Some stated that we were having an affair before my husband died. Some said it was too soon and I didn’t even grieve. Some said he was being very disrespectful of my situation. At first we kept quiet but then we finally decided to attend a company function together and be out in the open. I left the company after a few months. He is still there.

Any advice or words of caution for dating coworkers?
Make sure there is no conflict such as supervisor/subordinate. Be discreet especially in the beginning when you’re still in the “getting to know each other” phase. Stay off social media or don’t ‘friend’ coworkers. Never show any PDA (public displays of affection) at work. Also, try not to talk about work all the time.

Sandy and JP: Reconnected as a Blast from the Past

Age you were widowed?
32

How long have you been widowed?
1 year ago

How long have the two of you been together?
We have now been dating for seven months.

How long into your widowed journey did you feel you were ready to date?
I had not decided I was ready to date. I just decided to remain open to any new possibilities and not shoot something down if it felt okay to pursue it. If nothing came my way, that was fine too.

How did you two reconnect?
We reconnected because of his health, actually. We were already Facebook friends since we had known each other in high school. A few weeks after my husband passed, he had a Facebook status that he was in the hospital. I commented that I was sorry to hear and hoped he felt better soon. He then sent me a private message telling me how sorry he was for my loss and to let him or his family know if I ever needed anything. He reminded me his brother owns a landscaping business and was available for any of my yard work I would need help with. He said when he was better and in town again, he would buy me a drink for my troubles. I thanked him and that was that until a few months later when he was back in the hospital again. I sent him another private message asking what was up. He told me, I commiserated. A few weeks later he sent me a message to tell me about some other things that were happening in his life…things that would bring him back to our hometown, where I still live. It was a crummy situation for him so I told him when he was back, I would buy HIM a drink for HIS troubles. About a month later we went out for the first time and…(the rest is history).

Have you found it “easier” to date someone with whom you have a shared background/past or has the fact that you’ve “changed” since the initial meeting forced you to view the relationship as a brand new one?
I definitely found it easier to date him because I knew him from my younger years. He already knew I was widowed. He had even met my husband once and knew I had a daughter. My whole family knows him and his family and I know they are good people. It was still very difficult to get past the fact that I was learning all about someone new to me versus enjoying the level of comfort my husband and I had developed over our 13 year relationship. It’s been fun and exciting and he is, in some ways, even more compatible with me than my late husband.

Kylie and Ben*: Met Online

Age you were widowed?
30

How long have you been widowed?
4 years

How long into your widowed journey did you feel you were ready to date?
I honestly thought I was ready to date about three year post-loss. I decided to give online dating a chance and set up a profile on POF. I wasn’t expecting to be contacted by so many men. Online dating was new to me and I found it overwhelming. It was only after I noticed I was finding a flaw in every man that contacted me that I realized perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was. I did some real soul-searching because I was comparing every man to my late husband. I took a few months off to deal with those feeling then rejoined the site.

How long have you and your new partner been together?
We met about nine months ago.

What site did you meet your partner?
We met on OkCupid. I tried a few other dating sites but liked the compatibility ranking on OkCupid.

What advice would you give to a widow considering online dating?
Be open. Yes, we have standards and preferences but don’t be afraid to consider someone who is the opposite of the type of guy you would typically date. Try to get to know his character vs. ruling him out because he’s not tall enough for example. I also would recommend doing your research. Many people target the widowed community so it’s important to make sure you aren’t chatting with a potential scammer. Red flags include working overseas, asking for money, seeming to fall in love really fast or broken English/grammar. Ask for photos. Check out their pictures using a reverse Google image search. Copy and paste their text messages in Google to see if it’s wording associated with a scammer. You may have to kiss a few frogs but there are nice guys out there.

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Kristen and Mason*: Met Thru Her Late Husband

Age you were widowed?
39

How long have you been widowed?
13 months ago

How long have the two of you been together?
We’ve been seeing each other since March of this year but we made it official three month ago.

How long into your widowed journey did you feel you were ready to date?
Maybe about six months after my husband’s death.

How did you come to meet through your husband?
My late-husband, Sam, and my current boyfriend worked together at an engineering firm. We would often meet up with Mason and his wife—though they were having marital issues—and do things as couples. When my husband didn’t return home one day, I immediately reached out to Mason to see if Sam was at work. When he said no, I went looking for Sam. I found his body and called Mason who helped the emergency medical people and police find us. He had died suddenly from a cardiac event. Mason has been there for me ever since, helping with the million things that happen when a spouse dies. We felt an attraction to each other about a month after Sam’s death but both spoke with our individual therapists because we didn’t think it was healthy. I was also a complete wreck. We learned a lot about trauma bonds and recognized that our feelings were probably developing because of our shared trauma experience and sincerely tried to ignore them. Mason and his wife eventually had an amicable divorce. Some time later, we started acknowledging our feeling for each other were not going away.

Have you gotten any negativity from others about dating someone you met via your spouse?
Sam was very loved at the firm. There was a lot of gossip about Mason spending too much time helping “Sam’s wife and HER kids” which is funny, because none of them were here helping me! And, did our kids suddenly stop being my husband’s children?

Mason and I have told several of my friends but they know that it isn’t public knowledge. The select few who know have been supportive. We hope to tell the kids over the next few weeks and once we do, we plan to share our news with our family and friends. People know we are very close and I am sure there is speculation. People will wonder if Mason left his wife for me. They will wonder how soon after Sam’s death we started dating. I have learned to not care what others think. My only priority is protecting my kids.

* Names changed to protect privacy. 

Author’s note: In case you’re wondering why many of these widows chose to be anonymous, please consider reading my blog post, “Secret Lovers: Young Widows Feel Forced to Hide New Relationships“.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.