Somewhere between Year 2 and Year 3 of being widowed, my mother-in-law inquired about my dating status. Upon hearing it was nonexistent, she told me that while she understood I was still grieving, I needed to remember that I couldn’t hide from the world and at some point I needed to at least be open to the possibility of having another man in my life.
Before we ended the conversation, she said, “Not to be harsh, but you know your husband would have started dating again, right?”
I laughed. It was true. He would have.
In my defense, it wasn’t like I’d been curled up in a fetal position for two years (Check out what I’d been up to here).
That curiosity sparked my interest in men dating after the loss of a spouse. From all accounts, it seemed widows tended to be slower to re-enter the dating world. I wondered how widowers knew they were ready and, if it was in fact true that they dated “sooner”, how this affected their relationship with their in-laws.
John, a member of the Young, Widowed & Dating online support group, said he knew he was ready to date when he started wishing he could meet someone.
“I had anticipatory grief,” he explained. “That may have been why I was ready to date five months following my wife’s death. I didn’t like being alone. I love women and wanted to meet someone again to enjoy a special bond.”
Though his late wife’s parents are deceased, she had a lot of cousins, aunts and uncles. He already knows that some of them won’t support his decision to date.
“None of them know I’m ready at this point,” said John. “I don’t want to deal with the backlash of certain people in her family. I think I will make my feelings known after the one year mark.”
Like John, widower Mike knows there may be criticism about his choice to date four months after the passing of his wife. Though he says he is fully capable of living alone—and even likes it at times—he prefers companionship.
“I have been able to reenter the dating scene earlier than most but I contribute that to the paradigm of my relationship with my late wife,” he said. “There is always going to be criticism regardless of what we do. But it’s our loss, our life and our choice. Anyone who doesn’t get behind me gets moved out of my life.”
Another widower, Nathan, felt he was ready to open his heart to love again around the five month mark. He’s especially close with his wife’s family but doesn’t feel it’s time to share his love life with them.
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“I keep my connection with my wife’s family separate from who I am dating,” he said. “I assume one day I will know when the time is right time to change that.”
Based on my feedback from the widowers, six months seems to the average length of time before they began dating.
Craig, who lost his wife 11 months ago, realized that he too was ready to date at about six months post-loss. His wife had been sick for five years with Stage 4 cancer so they knew “an end was coming”.
“I dated several women and nothing spectacular happened until two months ago when I started chatting with my late wife’s third cousin,” he explained. “They were pretty close growing up and my wife always had great stuff to say about her. We hit it off really well and have been dating for a couple months now. I’m super excited for the future. She understands where I’m coming from and knows that I will always love my late wife. She also gets that I have room in my heart for someone else. It feels pretty amazing to have that friendship and companionship again.”
Everyone in his family and his late wife’s family has been understanding and supportive. He said that while there may be something to men not being able to do as well without their spouses, he wasn’t going to jump into the first relationship that he stumbled upon. He had to be picky for both himself and his children.
Fellow widower Jacob, 36, lost his spouse five years ago. He spent the first two years focused on raising his sons who were just three years old and 15 months at time.
“Between my children, all the new domestic duties, and the crushing grief, I had more on my mind than a relationship. I have gone on dates, but not had a girlfriend,” he said. “Physical intimacy needs are there but I’ve always had good restraint. Plus, exercising helps me to blow off that energy.”
As a society we tend to judge widowers and widows for what we believe is moving on too quickly after the death of a spouse. Unless you’ve experienced the loss of a partner, it’s impossible to say how you would handle the pain, devastation, loneliness and isolation.
As one widow pointed out, “We’ve fulfilled the ‘til death do you part’ section of our vows. Why then are we still being judged for opening our hearts to love again?”
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
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Thank you for this I am a young widow too I have been widow for two years now and still am a little afaird to get out there date i am still close to my husband’s family and really don’t know how to date but I am feeling a little lonely and like to have a partner to talk with
It’s perfectly normal to be afraid. We all feel this way at one point. If you haven’t already joined the Young, Widowed & Dating Facebook group, please consider sending a request. It’s a great place to chat with others in the widowed community who know what you’re going through.
I am on the other side of the fence. I am dating a widower.His wife passed almost 2 years ago now. He and I have been dating for about 8 or 9 months and he decided he was ready for me to move in with him. I love him, we’ve talked about marriage and children. I’ve meet his family he’s meet mine. He is an awesome man and I have been trying my best to be supportive if he needs to talk. My problem is he wanted to me move in and his wife’s clothes are still in the closet. All her stuff is in the house still. In the first few months of us dating I went to his house to stay for a few days all their wedding pictures and stuff were still out. I told him how I felt that it made me uncomfortable. He’s said he moved on and he’s ready to move forward with us and be a family. He was supposed to remove her stuff out of the house before I moved in and he hasn’t yet and we had been making arrangements for this for 3 months. I don’t want to seem or be insensitive but it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t go in our closet in our room because he stuff is still in there and my stuff is in one of the other rooms. I don’t know what to do but it’s bothers me and I don’t want to keep asking him about it. He makes time for everything else but he still hasn’t done that. He made arrangements for his niece and her friends to come in town for a week. He made arrangements to go out of town twice in the same month but hasn’t taken the time to get the boxes and remove the stuff. I don’t know if I’m being insensitive, I don’t know what to think of do.
Keyani, I encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about how his unwillingness to address your concerns makes you feel. I also reached out to the YW&D group to get their feedback. Responses varied and included the following. Best of luck in your relationship.
– He might be ready to move forward but not ready to get rid of her stuff.
– He may never be ready to move her stuff. It should be accepted or this woman should move on. He can love this new woman deeply. Very deeply. But still never be ready to move pictures or clothes, etc.
– If I were in her shoes I would do this. I would ask him to set aside a few hours to start working on getting rid of his late wife’s things. The few hours is non-negotiable. But I would totally be super compassionate, offer to help any way I could- buy him boxes, whatever. On the day in question, I’d leave him alone for a half hour, then see how he’s doing. If he isn’t making any progress, be a bit firmer. If he hasn’t made significant progress (which includes actually getting a lot of the stuff out of the house), he needs to know this is a non-negotiable thing with grave consequences, but you’ll try to help him with it. Tell him you want a 5 day break. No seeing him, no contact, no texting, no email, no phone. At the end of 5 days, you will come back and all but one or two of the wedding photos need to be gone. One or two can remain, in the same place you would hang other family photos. If he can’t do this, and make it permanent, then I would strongly consider if I wanted to continue. If he does succeed, I would give further hard deadlines, but doing so with the utmost respect and compassion.You need to figure out how long of a timetable you are willing to put up with, giving yourself time to make a clean break and find someone else to start a family with, if he can’t let go.
– I don’t think getting rid of pictures or getting rid of stuff needs to happen. I do think that if he wants her to move in then she has the right to expect that she can have the closet in her bedroom. Maybe box up the late wife’s belongings or put her things in the other rooms. I don’t think they need to be given away, donated or tossed out.
– If she forces him to do this and he does he will hold it against her, even if he doesn’t vocalize it and it will cause issues.
– Maybe you moving is his way of moving on. You never know, he may move the clothes once you are in.
Thanks for the reply Kerry. We had already had a conversation about getting rid of his wife’s things prior to me moving in. He and his last wife had a conversation concerning what they would do with each other’s things. She wanted all of her things to be given to a women’s shelter. When I first started coming to his house there were pictures it did make me a lil uncomfortable and he put them away. I was not going to move in but he assured me he was ready and three closet would be empty would I moved in. When I got here with my stuff it wasn’t. This is a different situation for me and I try to make sure I am sensitive to his feelings and sometimes I disregard my own. I don’t want to be insensitive but sometimes I don’t know what to say. We have since talked and he told me not to tiptoe around him but express my feelings. She wife will have been gone for 2 years in December. I don’t know if I should ask him how he’s feeling or just let him come to me. I have suggested counseling to him and for both of us together because I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I am willing to do what I can to help and be supportive. I truly love him and I can tell he loves me. We have talked about kids and marriage so I know he wants to move forward.
I glad you’re willing to continue to be supportive. With love and communication I am sure you’ll work through it as a couple and be stronger for having the experience.