I have a confession…

My late husband wasn’t perfect.

Over the past 4 ½ years of being widowed, I’ve somehow managed to erase every flaw, quirk, bad habit and imperfection that made my hubby human. He was elevated to a status in my mind so off-limits that mere-mortals never stood a chance.

When I ventured into the world of online dating nine months ago, I dismissed every man who even looked my way. I obviously ruled out the “business executive” whose very first message was asking if I wanted to meet at his hotel to “cuddle” and the other jerk who demanded to know if I was a “pillow princess” (I’ll wait while you Google that term….I had no idea what it was either). But I also overlooked the many guys who reached out to me in a respectful manner. There was always something “wrong” with each of them when I held them up to the yardstick that was my late-husband.

I find that when people die, especially spouses, we only remember how amazing they were. We forget all the other things that made life with them frustrating at times. Now, I’m not talking affairs and/or dysfunctional behaviors (…that’s a separate blog post). This is more about the little things spouses do to grate your nerves. For me, it was the toilet seat being left up, his daily comments on how I brushed my tongue, and most annoying of all, not wrapping dirty Q-tips in tissue before disposing of them. Seriously, who wants to see ear wax in the trash can?

It wasn’t until I stopped to remember that despite my late husband’s awesomeness, he was still human with real life flaws. Why then are the guys I encounter not allowed to be imperfect in my eyes?

Many widows I’ve spoken to about dating share these feelings. We tend to be quick to point out why a guy can’t be a great match for us – sometimes they really aren’t and I don’t suggest you force a bad situation. I’m specifically addressing the men we overlook because (and these are real reasons provided by widows):

1. 1. His spelling was terrible.
   2. He had the longest feet I’d ever seen. They freaked me out!
   3. His eyes were too close together.
   4. He would sweat profusely.
   5. He said he was “SUB conscious about his body”.
   6. His voice was too high.
   7. I was so unimpressed with his “size”. It’d have been a downgrade.
   8. He didn’t eat bacon.
   9. The toilet paper roll at his house was on the wrong way.
   10. He tried to woo me by playing on my love of all things Disney but talked about “Shrek”. That’s not even a Disney film!

We often judge potential dates on an unfair scale. Everything they say or do can and will be used against them and there is often little opportunity to right a perceived wrong. It’s time we stop looking at the superficial traits and start seeing men for who they really are: not our husbands! (and, that’s okay).

You’ll argue you have standards and I know that. We all do. This is for the times we find ourselves saying, “He’s such a great guy but…”. I really encourage us all to take the time to examine what the “but” is. Is it a genuine cause for concern? Are you being fair with your assessment? Is it really fear (abandonment, self esteem or other grief issues) that’s causing you to doubt a future together—whether short of long-term?

I hope we’ll begin to focus on a guy’s true character (Is he honest? Do you share the same values? Do you feel safe and protected when you’re with him? How is he with your child?) before ruling him out.

Additionally, I’d be remiss to not point out the fact that we’re asking someone to accept and love us with all our nuances and flaws. Don’t even get me going about my own “issues” such as refusing to eat grapes that have fallen off or been removed from the stem.

Let’s face it. Our husbands weren’t perfect (and neither are we) but they were perfect for us. There’s no reason why the man in our Chapter 2 can’t be perfectly imperfect.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.