Though I’m at a place in my grief where it isn’t “raw”, I’m not so far removed that I can’t recall the words spoken by loved ones who helped me work through my pain. Among that special group are my in-laws, specifically my husband’s mother and sister. Despite the fact that they lost such a vital member of their family, they chose to extend their arms and love me back to healthy place.

Unfortunately, death doesn’t always bring families together. Many young widows are surprised to face the shocking reality that not only did they lose their husbands, but his family as well. From disagreements about final arrangements to how to spend the life insurance money, there is no shortage of reasons why the relationships sour.

A group of young widows was recently asked to discuss the challenges they’ve faced with in-laws. Here’s what they want their spouses’ families to know:

Our Children Are Part of Him

Those grandchildren…nieces and nephews…they are hurting. They don’t understand why their fathers’ death also meant the loss of cousins and other family members. If you love your son/sibling and want to honor his memory, treasure his children. We may not see eye-to-eye but don’t punish our children. They have already been traumatized and family withdrawal only adds to that hurt. As one widow pointed out, “I carry the grief of my son never having as much time as the rest of us did. I want my in-laws to see what [my husband] left behind and open their eyes to what they are missing out on. His mini-me is still here. I watch him daily become more like the man they all miss so much. Do they really want to toss away the family their son and brother chose?”

I Loved My Husband – And I Still Do

There’s an expression that says, “Sometimes a man and woman have an understanding that no one else understands”. We get that our relationship may not look like your definition of love but know that we loved our husbands with every fiber of our being. We often hear “she must not have loved him since she…”. That’s not the case; far from it. There isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t wish for even another hour with our spouses. No action we will ever take – whether you approve or not – is a reflection of the depth of that love.

All Widows Are Not The Same

Yes, your friend’s cousin’s sister’s daughter lost her husband and she didn’t get out of bed for an entire year. And, we get that if you’d lost your husband, you would never look at another man, let alone go on a date. But, we’re not the same. Your widowed friend or neighbor isn’t the yardstick to which we should be measured. There is no one way to be widowed. Please understand that there isn’t a yellow brick road to follow or manual to read. Each widowed journey is as unique as the individual who lost her partner.

Stop Comparing Our Grief

We all lost the same person but realize he played a different role in each of our lives. We respect he was your son/sibling so please return the favor by accepting the fact he was our husband and the father of our children. On top of grieving the loss of a spouse, we’re overwhelmed by helping our children deal with their loss while simultaneously managing a household, handling financial matters and juggling a work schedule. Acknowledging the magnitude of our loss doesn’t diminish your pain.

I’m The Same Person – Yet Different

Remember when we’d stay on the phone for hours talking about upcoming family gatherings? We’re the same now as we were then, only changed by grief. We want you to know that we love you and miss the days of unity and camaraderie. While there may have been a few hiccups along the way, we ultimately became one. There is no reason for the love we all had to be based on whether or not your son/brother is alive. Many times widows find a strength we didn’t know existed. Our speaking up where we may we have remained silent before isn’t to hurt you. It’s about our newfound confidence in having survived a tragedy we thought would break us.

I’m Still Here

His death took its toll on all of us. From the moment we left the cemetery, our relationship ceased to exist. It was as if half of our family – and yes, we still consider you family – was buried along with our spouses. Though you may think our husbands got the short end of the stick, living without them is even worse than the death itself. Don’t ignore me. I still exist.

Don’t Punish Me For Your Guilt

Let’s be honest, your relationship with your son/sibling may have been strained. You didn’t talk as much and the visits were far and few between. You’ve now decided that you want to lash out at us for all those missed opportunities. It’s not hatred for us that’s burning you up with anger; it’s your own guilt. A widow who felt like an outcast even during her marriage said, “I was there through it all…even until the very end when I saw him take his last breath. But where were you when he needed you…to just be his mother, father, brother, sister or cousin? As I watched each of you, one by one, fall out onto the floor by his casket, I could not help but think it’s too late now. He’s gone.”

He’d Want Me To Be Happy

You’re not too pleased with how we’ve lived our lives post-loss. The fact that we’ve spent some of the insurance money on furthering our education and/or starting a business bothers you. You don’t like that we decided to sell the homes we bought with our husbands. There’s a funny thing about being widowed. It causes you to take an inventory of your life and seek out things that make your heart happy. Our decisions are our own and they will certainly not please you all the time. What we know for a fact is that our spouses would want us to live. One young widow pointed out her late-husband would have wanted her to “live on purpose and be happy”. She added, “I am fulfilling his wishes the best I can and I don’t have to check in with anyone or feel bad about the decisions I make. I have to move on because standing still will kill me. I honor him by living well.”

Dating or Even Marrying Again Doesn’t Mean I’ve Forgotten Him

You think I’ve “moved on” too quickly…that I haven’t mourned your sibling long enough. You don’t seem to understand what it’s like to miss your spouse so much that it hurts yet yearn for companionship. You don’t get how that guilt weighed heavy on our hearts. Our dating doesn’t mean that we never loved your brother or didn’t love him “that” much. We can’t forget about our soul mate, the father of our children simply because we’ve met someone new. How could we ever? How do you forget that a part of your heart is missing? At a time when all parties are hurting, there should love, comfort and support.

Malice, mistrust and judgment do nothing but prevent widows and their in-laws from moving though the healing process. Let the incredible amount of love each of you has for the decedent be the glue needed to pull the family back together.

To read a previous article, “What Young Widows Want Their Family & Friends to Know”, please click here.

Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.

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