Unfortunately, death doesn’t always bring families together. Many young widows are surprised to face the shocking reality that not only did they lose their husbands, but his family as well. From disagreements about final arrangements to how to spend the life insurance money, there is no shortage of reasons why the relationships sour.
A group of young widows was recently asked to discuss the challenges they’ve faced with in-laws. Here’s what they want their spouses’ families to know:
Our Children Are Part of Him
Those grandchildren…nieces and nephews…they are hurting. They don’t understand why their fathers’ death also meant the loss of cousins and other family members. If you love your son/sibling and want to honor his memory, treasure his children. We may not see eye-to-eye but don’t punish our children. They have already been traumatized and family withdrawal only adds to that hurt. As one widow pointed out, “I carry the grief of my son never having as much time as the rest of us did. I want my in-laws to see what [my husband] left behind and open their eyes to what they are missing out on. His mini-me is still here. I watch him daily become more like the man they all miss so much. Do they really want to toss away the family their son and brother chose?”
I Loved My Husband – And I Still Do
There’s an expression that says, “Sometimes a man and woman have an understanding that no one else understands”. We get that our relationship may not look like your definition of love but know that we loved our husbands with every fiber of our being. We often hear “she must not have loved him since she…”. That’s not the case; far from it. There isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t wish for even another hour with our spouses. No action we will ever take – whether you approve or not – is a reflection of the depth of that love.
All Widows Are Not The Same
Yes, your friend’s cousin’s sister’s daughter lost her husband and she didn’t get out of bed for an entire year. And, we get that if you’d lost your husband, you would never look at another man, let alone go on a date. But, we’re not the same. Your widowed friend or neighbor isn’t the yardstick to which we should be measured. There is no one way to be widowed. Please understand that there isn’t a yellow brick road to follow or manual to read. Each widowed journey is as unique as the individual who lost her partner.
Stop Comparing Our Grief
We all lost the same person but realize he played a different role in each of our lives. We respect he was your son/sibling so please return the favor by accepting the fact he was our husband and the father of our children. On top of grieving the loss of a spouse, we’re overwhelmed by helping our children deal with their loss while simultaneously managing a household, handling financial matters and juggling a work schedule. Acknowledging the magnitude of our loss doesn’t diminish your pain.
I’m The Same Person – Yet Different
Remember when we’d stay on the phone for hours talking about upcoming family gatherings? We’re the same now as we were then, only changed by grief. We want you to know that we love you and miss the days of unity and camaraderie. While there may have been a few hiccups along the way, we ultimately became one. There is no reason for the love we all had to be based on whether or not your son/brother is alive. Many times widows find a strength we didn’t know existed. Our speaking up where we may we have remained silent before isn’t to hurt you. It’s about our newfound confidence in having survived a tragedy we thought would break us.
I’m Still Here
His death took its toll on all of us. From the moment we left the cemetery, our relationship ceased to exist. It was as if half of our family – and yes, we still consider you family – was buried along with our spouses. Though you may think our husbands got the short end of the stick, living without them is even worse than the death itself. Don’t ignore me. I still exist.
Don’t Punish Me For Your Guilt
Let’s be honest, your relationship with your son/sibling may have been strained. You didn’t talk as much and the visits were far and few between. You’ve now decided that you want to lash out at us for all those missed opportunities. It’s not hatred for us that’s burning you up with anger; it’s your own guilt. A widow who felt like an outcast even during her marriage said, “I was there through it all…even until the very end when I saw him take his last breath. But where were you when he needed you…to just be his mother, father, brother, sister or cousin? As I watched each of you, one by one, fall out onto the floor by his casket, I could not help but think it’s too late now. He’s gone.”
He’d Want Me To Be Happy
You’re not too pleased with how we’ve lived our lives post-loss. The fact that we’ve spent some of the insurance money on furthering our education and/or starting a business bothers you. You don’t like that we decided to sell the homes we bought with our husbands. There’s a funny thing about being widowed. It causes you to take an inventory of your life and seek out things that make your heart happy. Our decisions are our own and they will certainly not please you all the time. What we know for a fact is that our spouses would want us to live. One young widow pointed out her late-husband would have wanted her to “live on purpose and be happy”. She added, “I am fulfilling his wishes the best I can and I don’t have to check in with anyone or feel bad about the decisions I make. I have to move on because standing still will kill me. I honor him by living well.”
Dating or Even Marrying Again Doesn’t Mean I’ve Forgotten Him
You think I’ve “moved on” too quickly…that I haven’t mourned your sibling long enough. You don’t seem to understand what it’s like to miss your spouse so much that it hurts yet yearn for companionship. You don’t get how that guilt weighed heavy on our hearts. Our dating doesn’t mean that we never loved your brother or didn’t love him “that” much. We can’t forget about our soul mate, the father of our children simply because we’ve met someone new. How could we ever? How do you forget that a part of your heart is missing? At a time when all parties are hurting, there should love, comfort and support.
Malice, mistrust and judgment do nothing but prevent widows and their in-laws from moving though the healing process. Let the incredible amount of love each of you has for the decedent be the glue needed to pull the family back together.
To read a previous article, “What Young Widows Want Their Family & Friends to Know”, please click here.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
It’s been 5 years since my husband died suddenly from an undiagnosed medical condition. We have 2 daughters that are now 34 & 20. My husband and his sister were co-trustees in a family farm
She is now the sole trustee and is controlling money from an education funder for my girls. My you gest daughter has 1 more year of college and my sIL won’t tell me how much is in the trust. I just hired an estate attorney to find out and my family is mad and my husband’s family won’t talk to me. I’ve been struggling since he died with financial issues, work and raising our girls. I don’t know what to do. I was also named as his beneficiary in case of his death but was told by his family early on that I would receive nothing. He worked full tI’m but died without a will and whole life insurance.
My brother died suddenly. My sister in law (now widow) cut our entire family out, no reason. Just out and all within 2 weeks around Thanksgiving. It was cruel. She keeps our niece hostage and we can’t see her anymore. I lost my brother and now lost her and my niece.
We’re devastated. What now? How do you explain this?
I’m not sure how long following his death she did this but could she be dealing with depression? Is she alienating herself as part of her grief? I’d continue reaching out highlighting how much you’d love to have a relationship with your niece. Perhaps a nicely worded letter or email if phone calls aren’t working. I know it’s challenging and it feels like you’re losing another part of your brother. Big hugs. Hope it’s resolved quickly.
Hmmmm no reason! I wish you all the best in finding peace. However, there could be hidden reasons that you should look within yourselves. She may feel she shouldn’t have to explain. Some of your family may have hurt her or made her upset before his death. The search for answers may or may not come. Peace and prayer and Good Luck to all of you. P.S. I have my own explication for why I’d do the same thing she did. Only my husband isn’t gone and it’s too long of a story.
My brother passed suddenly 2 months ago. At first the family rallied very close to each other, as well as several of their family friends, as we went through the grieving process. His 5 kids are 16-23 yrs old, so they have been able to call us on their own, and I’ve gone out and spent time with them at their sporting events, because I love them, and because their biggest fan is no longer there, and I want to fill in and support wherever I am welcome.
However, the widow has not returned a single one of my phone calls since my brother’s passing. I have seen her a few times and she has been just as nice and loving as she has always been.I have not detected any depression or hard feelings of any kind (I’ve wondered if I did or said something to upset her).
A month after his passing, I wanted to bring her a birthday present, something I spent quite a bit on considering my limited income, and was a little excited, I hoped it would cheer her up. I don’t like dropping in on people unexpectedly, but since she hadn’t called me back, I stopped by. Again, she was pleasant, even though I caught her just as she was getting home from work and she probably wanted nothing more than to rest. We had some nice conversation, and she let me know the date they were planning to spread his ashes in the Keys this summer (his favorite place in the world), and asked me if I would be coming. I told her, yes, I absolutely wanted to be there.
Fast forward a couple of weeks, and I need to schedule the time off at my job, so I left her message to confirm the dates were still the same, and please call me back, but she hasn’t.
I don’t know, I’m trying really hard not to take this personally, but from my perspective, I return calls to people who are important to me and I care about. I do not feel like anyone important to her in this process. I know she is returning her best friend’s calls, and her mother’s calls, and my parent’s calls. I am trying so hard to not be selfish right now, as I know she is experiencing the hardest days and weeks of her life, I know that her grief has to be far worse than mine (even though mine has been complete devastation).
Any way, I don’t even know what to do. Should I stop trying to call her? Should I keep trying? I’ve left an assortment of messages, not being dramatic or fussy or demanding, just things like “I want to help any way I can, please let me know… I’m thinking of you, I love you… Please call me when you have a chance”. And just to be clear, I’ve not been over bearing or stalker-like. I’ve tried to call a total of about 6 or 8 times… trying more in the first few weeks, and less as she’s not responded. I feel like I am bothering her and putting pressure on her, and I don’t want to do that. It really and truly feels like she doesn’t want to hear from me. 🙁
Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. I can only imagine how difficult a position this must be – to want to support her without being overbearing. I’ve reached out to fellow widows to get some insight into this situation. Many felt “strong” enough to talk to their friends but not their in-laws because the in-laws were a reminder of their loss. As far as the memorial, can you get the info from your parents, her parents, etc.? Some widows mentioned they gave the info only to a couple of people and then counted on them to spread the word. Others suggested texting rather than calling – it was much easier for them to write vs. talk. Most importantly, everyone asked that you continue reaching out to your SIL. Please don’t take it personally. I know it’s also hard for you. Just give her space, reach out via text or email and allow her to come around when she feels ready. You mentioned being in contact with the children so perhaps ask them how she’s doing from time so you aren’t worrying about her as much. Big hugs to you.
I just happened to find this site and hope you can help.
It will be 5 years March 5 that our son(my bonus son) He married in August 2014 and their son was born in October. She was just 19 and he was 24. We didnt know his wife very well but saw her at family get togethers. We found out our son had died by suicide because our local deputy came by and told my husband. We didnt even have his wifes number. If it wasnt for facebook and me putting on it, call us and our phone #, then I’m not sure how we’d contact her. She had just had a second son. Only 1 month old when our son died.
The last time we saw our grandsons was December 25, 2016. I knew something was different because when we saw his widow and the kids at Thanksgiving she was talking to me. Christmas came. The kids were holding on to her as if they were frightened. Turns out she met a guy on December 9 that same year. We were going to meet her at a restaurant for breakfast, but she said we could only see the kids for 1 hour after driving 1 hour. So we decided we wanted to see them another day for a longer amount of time. Well, I guess this made her mad so we havent seen the kids since. She didnt give us her address with the boyfriend so I’ve sent birthday and Christmas gifts to her moms house. Never a thank you or acknowledgement. My husband doesnt want to try anymore. I havent sent anything for Christmas this year. I feel that hopefully they will want to know us one day.
What is your advice?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Karen. Perhaps approaching her mom to serve as a mediator can get to the heart of the issues and open up a line of communication with the children. You’d be surprised at the minor miscommunications/misunderstandings that can lead to decades of people not talking.
My name is Kwame, I’m from Ghana and I lost my wife two years ago. We were married for two years. We lived in different countries, I was in England and she resided in Canada. We visited each other from time to time. She applied for the spousal application so I could relocate to Canada. She visited me one time with our newborn baby boy who was then 6 months old. Unfortunately for me, she took ill and died on her visit. I was accused of ending her by the majority of my community. Her remains were flown back to Canada and so I visited Canada to part in the funeral rites and mourning. I lived with my inlaws as I didn’t know anybody in Canada apart from my deceased wife. Three months in, everything went downhill. My inlaws have been trying to alienate me from my own son. They plan my son’s life without my consent or a simple discussion. I don’t have a girlfriend or wife since the passing of my wife. I’m constantly been judged. I gave a power of attorney to my brother in law to administer my wife’s estate because I don’t have my resident permit and it is a the requirement for administering an estate. My BIL is supposed to represent me instead he is representing the interests of himself and her parents. He withholds information and nobody tells me anything about the estate. The list goes on and on. Please help me with some insights into dealing with my situation.
I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re dealing with in-laws. My only advice is to consult an attorney as this is outside the scope of my expertise. Many will do a complimentary consultation. All the best
Hiya. My husband passed away on February 20th this year to COVID, I also had COVID developed an pulmonary embolism. There is someone who me & my husband knew for years, this helped me for months after my husband’s death.
This someone & I met in person in October & we are now in a relationship. Most of my in laws have criticized me, saying it’s too soon? Are you sure ? (as this someone is transgender)
I’m know they are grieving, so I’m not angry at them but my husband was verbally abusive most of the time.
He’s family was “here” for me but never came over or called to see if I needed help but did ask alot when’s the headstone coming, etc. He’s twin brother helped the first 2 months with work stuff.
Is it too soon for me to move on?
Truly, only you know if you’ve allowed your heart time to heal and aren’t looking for a “fill-in.”
Truly, only you know if you’ve allowed your heart time to heal and aren’t looking for a “fill-in.”
My husband died tragically by drowning in our pool. I was blamed, even accused of being the one to drown him. We have a 5&3 year old. That man their father was the center of our world. Each one of his family members stopped talking to not only me but our children. 6 months later they now want to be a part of our children’s life. Not OUR lives but the children. The mother being the ring leader in all of this and putting me and my boys through hell for the past 6 months I feel doesn’t deserve any kind of contact with my children until my children can fully understand what happened. We got married but never signed the paperwork so we got no ashes and she kept my husbandring. This is just one of the many stories of her jealousy towards me.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with all of that drama with your in-laws. I hope that for everyone’s sake, especially the children, they can put aside their issues to come together.
Hi…im a recent widow after 34 of being beside my husband. We both disliked funerals because people always get snipey at them. Now it’s my turn and we didn’t even have one yet. My sil has diverted a donation so I won’t get it. Now his nieces are speculating why I was so skinny for a few years. Now I’m Covid heavier and they want to know my clothing size. O was skinny for quite awhile since I worked physical labor jobs in Denver and had to do ALOT of walking since I had no car. This nasty behavior makes me sick to think how nasty they’ll be in person for his ‘celebration of life’ in Oregon later this year. What should I do?
It’s true that death can bring out the worst in people. Personally, I would let them come to say formal goodbyes but if the behaviors continued after the service, close that chapter until they can value and respect me.
This was so well written. I was widowed at age 32. I have a four year old and a large in law family who have complicated grief.
I was going out with a girl who was a widow and I tried to everything right but no matter what I did she just wouldn’t trust me I guess
Unfortunately, she just might not have been in a place in her grief where she was ready to fully let you in. Sorry it didn’t work out in your favor.