“I wonder what his wife did that led him to that decision.”
I let those words swirl around in my head as I tried to make sense of them.
“What his wife did?” I asked aloud.
“Yes, she must have done or not done something to make him commit suicide.”
I explained how ridiculous and ignorant the statement sounded but it seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. I was very troubled by the conversation as there are many widows who lost their spouse to suicide in the Young, Widowed & Dating support group. I began to wonder if they had to deal with hurtful comments such as this in addition to the negativity widows sometimes hear from coworkers, peers and even family members.
An informal post in the group confirmed my worst fears. People can be vicious and thoughtless with their words, failing to realize their impact on the surviving spouse and even their children.
“Suicide is still a taboo subject,” said LaTisha, who became widowed nearly six years ago. “People don’t want to discuss it and you get treated like the plague because of it. Even after all this time, there are still people who say I ‘drove him to it’. They say it to my face and behind my back.”
After her husband’s death, she found there was an obvious change in others’ attitudes towards her and on occasion, her children.
“When people find out your spouse committed suicide they behave different,” she explained. “There were many parents who would not allow their kids to hang around my kids anymore. It was almost as if they thought they would ‘catch suicide’ or something.”
Fellow member, Brittany, can relate to feeling judged by others. She was asked if she didn’t ‘see the signs’ leading up to her husband’s suicide. As a counselor, that question was especially upsetting.
“I know all of the signs,” she said. “I remind myself that I did everything possible to help.”
She has found journaling to be an outlet for working through the added range of emotions that come with being the spouse of one who dies by suicide. Therapy has also helped her address feelings of anger and abandonment.
When widow Auralay turned to therapy via a support group, she was faced with the same ‘bonehead’ questions. Upon sharing that she’d lost her son to suicide and then three years later her husband to the same fate, the questions ranged from “What did you do to make God punish you so bad?” to “Did you ever mess with the occult?” and “Why did these things happen to you?”
She found her friends and family weren’t much better.
“I’ve never been so hurt, traumatized and humiliated as when I was isolated, abandoned and persecuted by family and friends,” she said. “It was like I was covered in black goo that no one wanted to be around.”
This ‘black goo’ Auralay described is a common frustration shared by the group’s widows. Many say this goo seeps into their dating life as well.
Allyson, who writes and teaches about grief, finds people are extra defensive and judgmental when it comes to widows by suicide starting to date or fall in love again.
“I’ve heard it over and over,” she said. “Some people perceive my husband’s death was my fault. To them, I don’t deserve happiness again, ever.”
Suicide goes against all laws of self-preservation. It’s a tough subject to discuss, yet according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, it is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. More than 42,700 Americans die by suicide each year and for every suicide, there are 25 attempts.
With those statistics, the number of widows by suicide will continue to grow as well. We have to show compassion, understanding and support to these widows who already carry a heavy burden.
“It’s bad enough that we have to lose someone to suicide, but then to get treated so horrible afterwards by society because they’re scared to face their own mortality is just not fair,” added LaTisha. “We shouldn’t have to deal with so many negative consequences of someone else’s decision. I tell people all the time, and this may sound harsh, but death is the easy part. It’s those of us left behind that have to pick up the pieces that have the difficult work ahead of us.”
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a former blogger for The Huffington Post.
My husband died December 8, 2009 by suicide. I have struggled ever since. Thank you for your support in this.
Sorry for your loss, Carrie. It’s important for us to support all aspects of being widowed. We’re all in this together 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve felt this way too. I really wish there were more support groups specifically for this. Other grief support groups have left me feeling worse. It’s never understandable to those left behind and I am not sure it ever will be.
Please consider joining the Young, Widowed & Dating support group. There are quite a few widows who lost their spouse to suicide. We aren’t all dating so don’t let the name fool you 🙂
Is there a Survivors of a loved ones Suicide near you? Our local hospice group runs one.
Thank you for sharing
I lost my husband to suicide October 12th, 2009. I gave birth to our son the following day. I joined a Survivors of a loved ones Suicide support group two weeks after our loss, and into suicide prevention program 3 months post loss. We started a suicide prevention group here locally that has grown each year. Talking has helped me tremendously! I was lucky to have loving supportive people surrounding me. I am appalled anyone has to go through the judgement. I just remarried a month ago to a man I met on my son’s birthday (Oct 13th) last yea, a few hrs after my grandfather died.(i now joke my papa hooked us up)
Hang in there!
I’m so sorry about the loss, Miranda. It’ great that you’ve found a way to give back to others who are now dealing with the type of loss you’ve experienced. Congrats on the wedding. I love Chapter 2 stories!
I call it ‘widow leprosy ‘ No one would say anything to my face but I know they do behind my back. My husband had 2 personalities his work one..do anything for anyone make everyone else laugh at home he was a n depressive alcoholic bully. We both worked as social workers in the same town…I was more superior than him n he only kept his job because I had to advise him at him demand at home what he should day. On the day of the funeral so many friends offering support..fast forward 5 years and I have one true friend. My kids had a hard time at school. It was my son that found him so he had a double whammy they even did a special Mass for him but didn’t ask him if that was what he wanted. We were not devout Catholics…he was mortified. I usually tell people early on as I figure if they can’t cope with it then being friends etc isn’t going to work. Am thinking of getting a top made with ‘ beware I am a widow leper ‘ ..😢
Big hugs, Karen. The secondary losses can be just as devastating.
My husband died by suicide on April 5, 2016. I have been accused of both driving him to suicide and murder. I have been asked the most insentive ignorant questions. Going to therapy has helped me so far but I’m still a work in progress. It’s hard to accept that I will never be the same person I was prior to his death. I’m not even sure how to begin to date again.
People can be so horrible. Glad you’re drawing coping skills from therapy. Not being the same after a death doesn’t have to be all bad news. Focus on the parts of you that became better (appreciation for life, courage, etc). And, there’s no rush to date. You’ll know when you’re ready. *Hugs*
Victoria people are so insensitive and cruel. You are so right about trying to discover who you are as suicide definately changes. And the not knowing why so what do you tell your kids. Know that there are many in this group are walking this devastating time in your journey. I wish you well..😊
Exactly
This is exactly what I experienced.
I became a widow at the age of 29 with three young boys. Six months before that I also lost my dad, both suicide. I find comfort in reading stories on this page. I feel like I’m not alone.
Hugs, Melissa. I’m glad you’re finding comfort and hope you’ll consider joining a widows by suicide support group such as Dialogos Widowed Survivors (on Facebook). You certainly aren’t alone.
On April 7, 2019
My Wife, Teresa Marie committed suicide.
I often feel as though I died with her that day, only somehow my heart continues to beat.
Teresa taught me many things about about Love and Life. She taught me how to hold on and how to let go. But the most important..
She taught me that I cannot save anyone. I can only love them
Big hugs. I hope you hold those lessons close to your heart.
I lost my husband to suicide on March 17, 2019. I’ve been in counseling and support groups ever since. I’ve accepted the fact that he’s gone and never coming back. I have started to socialize again with friends. It does help to stay busy. I’m still crushed that he won’t be around for all the future plans we had made. I’ll move on as best I can. I still have a lot of living to do.
Glad you’ve found support groups and therapy helpful and that you’re socializing again. Regardless of the pain, we do have a lot of living left to do! You’re so right.