It’s often said that hindsight is 20/20. By looking back, we’re able to see a situation with clarity and observe the missteps we may have taken.
A member of the Young, Widowed & Dating Support Group recently shared her story. Her post was so detailed that she decided to write Part I and Part II. For some reason, the second half of her story appeared first in my Facebook timeline. I remember reading it with such great interest and being comforted by the fact that she’d made it out of the darkness that seemed to envelop her after the passing of her hubby. Though forever pained, she was happy and in a new relationship.
Then I read Part I of her story. It was filled with sadness, judgement, strained in-law relationships, guilt and hurt. Knowing she’d ultimately gotten through the storm made this part of her story less overwhelming. I knew she was “okay”…that the storm had quieted and brighter days were ahead.
Many widows/widowers will tell you that it’s Year Two when the loss finally hits. The numbness wears off and you’re left with the realization that your loved one is truly gone. Members of the Young Widowed and Dating Support Group recently wrote themselves letters and reflected on those first couple years. Below, they share advice on grieving, surviving and healing:
Dear Tryphenna,
The biggest lesson you’ll need to learn is how to forgive yourself. You’ll make a lot of mistakes when you are grieving. You’ll make mistakes with your kids by possibly overcompensating for their loss. You’ll make mistakes by overspending in an attempt to make everything feel normal again. You’ll make mistakes with your career because you are not honest with yourself about where you are mentally and what you can handle. You’ll make mistakes by picking up bad habits or coping methods. The bottom line is you will make mistakes. You have to realize that it is all a part of the grieving process. When the cloud lifts and you come to a sense of being, do not have regrets. You did the best you could with what you were left. Move forward the best you can at your own pace.
Widowed at 35, 4 years ago (Lithonia, GA)
Dear Amy,
Be gentle with yourself. If all you can manage in a day is to get up, shower and put on a fresh pair of pajamas, that’s okay. Figure out which easy-to-grab foods you will be able to choke down and keep them around the house. Though you may not feel hungry, you have to eat. Also, drink lots of water to help replace all of those tears you’ve been shedding. Keep hydrated; it’s extremely important. Please be careful of drinking too much alcohol. It will have a far different effect on you. You’ll make this mistake a few times and it will only amplify your grief to the point where you’ll spend hours on the floor sobbing. You’ll then be filled with regret about drinking too much. Regret coupled with your grief will be much too much to handle. If at all possible, wait a year before making major decisions. Your grief won’t magically go away after a year – grief never leaves, it just evolves and changes – but in many cases, after a year or so has passed, the fog begins to lift and you may notice you are beginning to feel sharper mentally.
Widowed at 41, 15 months ago (North Fort Myers, FL)
Dear Nichole,
You’ll think that getting to the one year mark means you’ve “made it”; that you’ll magically snap out of your grief. You’ll learn soon enough though that you’ll continue to be in great pain. With the help of your therapist you’ll realize that although you may not be in “acute” pain as you were six months earlier, you’ll cry often…maybe every other day instead of every day. Keep a journal. It’s a great way to look back and see the progress you’ve made, no matter how small. Sometimes you’ll feel like you have not healed at all, but you have …a little bit.
Widowed at 44, 3 years ago (Brooklyn, NY)
Dear Keziah,
Grieving for your husband will be hard work. It’s a process. You have to learn to be patient with yourself in order to move on. Some days you’ll feel so full of life and others you’ll feel like a part of you is gone forever. In order to cope, join a support group and read books that encourage you. As a young widow, you may never get enough time to mourn and you’ll be made to fake a strong appearance. Be careful of the decisions you make especially where there are children involved. Be mindful of “friends”. After your husband’s death, some who are married will feel insecure with you as a friend because of their husbands. At times they’ll make comments which unbeknownst to them hurts. Reevaluate your friendships and keep only those who understand and are ready to walk this path with you.
Widowed at 35, 4 years ago (Nakuru, Kenya)
Dear Jay,
Please don’t to pay attention to arbitrary timelines that are common knowledge or that others think you should abide by. Widowhood is one of the most brutally unique situations you can find yourself in. Consider the fingerprint of your relationship. Now think about how this fingerprint is driven into your soul with the force of a thousand suns. Each relationship is different, as is the manner of death of a significant other. There is no “right” way to grieve. Some widowers had an astoundingly happy marriage of 20 years, punctuated when a spouse fell victim to a car accident. Others might have had a much shorter relationship. Still others might have had a long chronological relationship that was effectively very short because it was full of dysfunction. Maybe there was a sickness or other caregiving responsibility, or an impending death was known weeks or months ahead of time. Your own grieving process will confuse you because your grief will greatly subside after six months. Please know that this is okay. You’re grieving the last few months of your partner’s life where you rediscovered a love for each other, not the six year relationship where you merely coexisted under one roof.
Widowed at 34, 6 years ago (Mount Vernon, OH)
Dear Lisa,
It will get better, even though it doesn’t feel like it ever will. Face your grief head on and don’t hide from your feelings, no matter how painful. Be sure to accept help. Allowing others to be of assistance may sound simple but it will be so very hard to do. Lastly, remember to be grateful for everything you still have, even though life did not turning out the way you planned.
Widowed at 39, 15 months ago (Reading, PA)
Dear Melissa,
You’ll find strength you never knew existed. The hardest part will be keeping some semblance of normalcy for your three children. If at all possible, keep their routine the same as it was prior to your husband’s death. Though you may cry alone at nights, know that it’s okay to grieve as a family. It’s important that your children understand how to express themselves and face the loss of their father. Just be sure that you don’t reflect an attitude of “my life is now over” or they’ll adapt this attitude. Talk about your husband often, in a positive way. Focus on the good memories. You will go on as a family, stronger than ever.
Widowed at 36, 1.5 years ago (Northeast Ohio)
Dear Bridgette,
Trust your gut. People will give their opinions about what you should do and because you feel so emotional, you won’t trust yourself. Please know you’ll end up regretting listening to others who don’t and can’t truly understand what you are going through. Take it easy on yourself; you can’t out run the grief. Let the emotions hit you and don’t be ashamed for feeling every emotion possible. You have been taught the wrong way to grieve so know that it may not look the way you think it should. Do not try to live up to others’ expectations. This is your journey; go at your pace.
Widowed at 37, 14 months ago (St. Louis, MO)
Dear Serena,
Let yourself feel the pain, ask for help and don’t feel that you have to be strong all the time. You’ll try to numb everything out by keeping busy. This will be the biggest mistake you can make. By continuing along that path, year two will hit you so hard that you’ll barely be able handle life. During year three, you’ll come to accept the grief and no longer allow it to control you. You’ll celebrate this accomplishment by getting a tattoo on the third anniversary of your husband’s passing. It will be a testament to not letting the pain, depression, PTSD and anxiety take you under. The heart in your tattoo will be a reminder that your love will forever be in your heart. The purple bird will represent drug overdose awareness and its position – flying away from you – will mean you’ve finally let him go and accepted that you cannot change the past. The phrase “I will not sink” and image on an anchor will be a reminder of Hebrews 6:19 where it references not sinking into the miry clay and God being an anchor.
Widowed at 27, 3 years ago (Winston Salem, NC)