When you’re in the midst of a storm, it’s hard to tell which way to go. You’re getting battered and you don’t know when the downpour will let up or even if the sun will ever emerge from the dark clouds. For many people who are widowed, the first year can be especially difficult to navigate.
Though we have no manual or workbook that prepares us for the wide range of emotions we often face, talking to other young widows and widowers who are further along in their widowed journey can provide renewed hope that we too can navigate the storm and come out on the other side.
Members of the Young Widowed and Dating Support Group recently wrote themselves letters and reflected on their first 12 months of being widowed:
Dear Corinne,
Don’t listen to anyone who tells you how, when, where or how long to grieve. The first year, although very sad, has a numbness, a lack of reality that will wear off. Prepare for that. Grief therapy, group therapy and online grief support groups are very helpful as only other people who have lived through this can truly understand. Guard your own health as widowed spouses often develop serious health issues due to stress, not eating, etc. People (family and friends) may tend to avoid you and that will come as a shock. Prepare yourself to develop new friendships and activities.
Widowed at 53, 22 months ago (Chicago, IL)
Dear LaTisha,
Allow yourself to go through the process of grief. You’ll try to “be strong” like everyone thinks you should. You’ll put a plastic smile on your face and think you can escape and out run your grief. But it will catch up to you and when it does, the crash will be hard. Cry, laugh, be angry. Allow yourself to process through those feelings and try to be with people that will support you through it. See a counselor if you have to but allow yourself to feel what you feel. Be prepared for the social dynamics of your life to change. Most of your friends are married so it will be awkward to be around them. You’ll feel like the “third wheel”. You’ll also find that many of the friends you have are really your husband’s friends. You’ll lose many relationships and feel you don’t fit anymore. You won’t exactly fit in with the young women who are truly “single” (never been married); you won’t fit with your married friends; you won’t fit with the divorced women, and you won’t fit with older widows. You’ll really have to work hard at finding your place in the world again…and you will!
Widowed at 31, 5 years ago (Novi, MI)
Dear Jessica,
I know you’re a fairly strong, independent woman to begin with but when family and friends offer to take your young toddler and newborn for a few hours, be sure to say yes. When they bring food, say thank you. When friends offer to get together, though you want to say no, say yes. Also, say yes to therapy. The grief counselor you called when you left your husband’s service will be one of many saving graces.
Widowed at 30, 4 years ago (Troy, PA)
Dear Jen,
You’ll think you never want to date or love again. You may even think that you don’t want to be alive. People will tell you to go back to work and get your mind off of your husband’s death. They’ll say be strong. Ignore all of that! You need to do what’s best for you and your kids. Everyone will judge you but you do you! Take as much time as you need to just get up and breathe each day. You’ll find that others will say they’ll be there for you but they’ll eventually move on and you’ll be left with your loss. Find a widowed and/or family support group so you know you aren’t alone. It’s okay to cry, even in front of your kids. They need to know that it’s okay to be sad and cry. Let them know it’s okay to miss their daddy and talk about him. Day by day you will get stronger.
Widowed at 31, 2 years ago (Savage, MN)
Dear Ilana,
Keep moving forward, meeting new people and keeping a really busy social calendar. However, having some down time is crucial to maintaining mental health and not getting burnt out. It will be hard to prioritize, especially when you’re left on this earth without your love. Most important is to keep in mind that life is short. Stay motivated to go out and try new places and things. Travel when you can.
Widowed at 29, 16 months ago (Chicago, IL)
Dear Carmen,
Get into a local young widows group and reach out to friends who are widows. Let your friends come and do things for you and spend time with you. Also, let yourself mourn and be sad on the days you want to be sad. Things will catch you off guard and will take your breath away when you least expect it. You have to just let the feelings flow. Remember to not let others govern how you think or live. People will tell you that you talk too much about your husband but he was your life for 20 years… how do you just stop talking about someone? Tell those people, “Look, if it makes you uncomfortable I can’t help that but I need to talk about him”. Continue to do so. It will make you happy.
Widowed at 48, 2 years ago (San Antonio, TX)
Dear Chelsey,
Let people help you. Most people don’t know what to say, but helping another human being is something everyone understands. You won’t want to accept help because you think you’ll be a burden. Remember this: If they didn’t want to help, they wouldn’t ask. Also, don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t try to rush through the grieving process. Life is hard and this journey sucks. Be good to yourself; laugh…it’s okay. Smiling is okay too. Crying is completely acceptable and will happen at the strangest moments. Accept the grief when it hits you, let it roll over you, then let it go. It’ll be back, but maybe not as strong next time. When it comes to dating, only you will know when you are ready. You may find you’re afraid to tell family and friends that you’ve started seeing other men but know that you’ll be met with a surprising amount of support. Even your mother-in-law will be happy for you.
Widowed at 31, 15 months ago (Granite Falls, WA)
Dear Nina,
Talking to someone who has gone through the loss of a spouse will be your biggest source of strength. If possible, seek out a young widows support group. It will give you strength knowing that others have the same thoughts. You’ll draw support from them for having shared a horrible mutual destiny. Remember to be open. Talk about it as much as you can and need to. Realize that there will be people around who don’t understand that you still need to talk about what happened even though for them it has been a long while. Use every opportunity to empty yourself, whether it is to friends, family, support groups or therapists.
Widowed at 33, 21 months ago (Norway)
Stay tuned for Part II!