I read once that it takes someone with super human qualities to love a woman who is widowed. He needed to have the patience of Job and the strength of Superman to understand that our hearts are big enough to love him and our late spouses at the same time plus deal with all the other emotions that come with losing a husband.
I agree. It does take a special person to not feel threatened by a love that will forever remain with us. He has to get that anniversaries still trigger our tears and our children’s milestones – big or small – can feel like a bandaid being ripped off a wound.
Early on in my widowed journey, someone reached out to me to complain about how her widowed boyfriend did things she considered hurtful as it pertained to his late wife. Of course, I jumped to the defense of the widower. His wife was dead for crying out loud! Doesn’t he get a pass for holding back, dragging his feet a little too long or being all over the place emotionally?
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I’ve since come to realize that although the widowed community is capable of loving and being loved, we have to remember that our new partners are human too, despite how “super” we think they are. They have feelings and despite our need to give ourselves a pass for enduring one of the worst things that can happen in life, it doesn’t give us the right to be dismissive of the feelings of those we invite into our lives post-loss.
I’m certainly not without blame. I’ve played the “…but I’m widowed” card a few times and assumed that my slighting my partner should just be chalked up to widowhood. But the truth is, when I chose to start dating, I accepted that I was ready and capable of doing right by someone else.
Sometimes we forget that being widowed doesn’t give us a free pass in a relationship. We don’t get to be hurtful simply because we have a dead spouse. We shouldn’t forget that WE opened our hearts and with that, it means being mindful of how our grief affects our partners.
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Here’s an example of a time my grief was hurtful and I didn’t even know it until after the fact. I’m sure a widow/widower will come to my defense but honestly, I’d be hurt if the roles had been reversed, no matter how understanding of a person I am.
I was preparing for a storm and organizing some important documents/items for safekeeping. As I thumbed through my safe, my late spouse’s wedding band caught my eye. I’d not seen it since it was returned to me after his death overseas. Without batting an eye, I rubbed my finger over the ring and slipped it onto my finger – with my new guy a mere arm’s length in front of me.
Of course, he didn’t know it was my hubby’s ring.
He said, “Nice ring”. I replied, “Yes, it’s my late hubby’s wedding band”.
He didn’t say anything for a while then said, “How’d you feel if I put on my wedding ring – especially in your presence”.
He’s divorced. I’m widowed. It’s not the same.
But, the bottom line is that I would have been upset – regardless – if he had done this. Often in our grief, we hurt so much for what was taken from us that we take the person standing in front of us for granted. Yes, they chose to love us as someone who is grieving but we can still grieve without making our partners feel like second-class citizens.
Just as our new guy/girl needs to be respectful of our grief, I’ve learned that my grief needs to be understanding of my new partner.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
Thank you for this. I am dating a widower, and as you rightly say, it takes a special kind of person to accept all that comes with that role. I never knew how tough, and at times emotionally draining this journey would be, but I love my partner dearly, and want to be the one who supports him to enjoy his future, and that of his children, as they so deserve.
Our battles are daily, with him tormented by guilt, fear of forgetting his beloved wife, 2 years on. I cry, probably more than he does, in private, as I just wish I could take his pain away. I know only time will do this….
To be honest the pain never goes away. It becomes less raw but it’s forever a part of us. I’m glad he’s found someone who doesn’t shy away from the pain because widows and widowers have a great capacity to love.
Yes!
No one or nothing can take the pain away from someone who has had a significant loss in their lives. We all have to learn to hold both the pain of our loss and the joy of new things in both our arms. Not easy, but doable. Our late spouses in life always wanted us to be happy and therefore now in death I’ve not doubt they wish it even more. So I’ve let go of guilt when accepting new joys into my life. And in terms of accepting your boyfriends dead spouse into your relationship, it’s a must. She is a part of him and always will be and that’s a beautiful thing because if it weren’t for her you wouldn’t be where you are right now, in a loving relationship. He is your gift from her. Wishing you peace, joy and wellness
<3
Sounds like you’re an awesome partner 🙂
This hit a cord with me. I was widowed at 47.i have started dating and it is different having a ex and having a ghost. Thank you
Glad it was helpful.
I’d like to begin dating. My husband passed a year ago. I’m 47. I’d like to meet someone and I know my love will be different. It’s just hard. It’s just hard to get started. It’s almost like we want to suffer and be mean not just to them but to ourselves. I guess it makes it justifiable to deny ourselves something that could make us happy or feel good. Just thinking of it is hard but I want to move forward also.
I think we all struggle with these thoughts when it comes to dating especially. Just be kind to yourself and know you may make a misstep or two with dating. Forgive yourself and try when you’re ready.
For me, my 2nd marriage after losing my true love at the age of 30, is sadly, a band aid. It is not equal to my first, not even close, but it is impossible to have that again. I am currently married to a really amazing person; I see him as my husband on Earth. He not only married me and my three kids, he also married my first husband in a way. I don’t know that he completely understood that when he married me but he does now. It’s a journey. I try not to be so wrapped up in my ongoing grief even after 25 years that I neglect my Earthly husband, I try to be patient and kind and be the wife he deserves, but some days it’s very hard and I still just want my old life back.
I think that’s common – loving your current partner while part of you missing what was. Hugs. Widowhood just sucks all around.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that, especially without being able to confront him. It’s sadly not uncommon. I’m happy you’ve met a great guy and aren’t holding your past against him 🙂
I relate to this very well. My husband was my best friend, he was my everything. Never thought of being with another man when I decided to be with him. He was taken to the afterlife 3 days before his 30th birthday. I’m now 31 with a 3 year old. Never had facebook until 5 months after his death. Because of social media, I was reunited with the only man I ever loved aside from my husband. He is divorced with 2 young children. Its tough, serendipitous, and the judgement…the assumptions are conquered daily. I love my husband, always will. A second chance with my first love is a sign to jump.
I’ve been dating a widower for 3 years, his late wife passed 8 yrs ago, he has 4 children, she was only 38 when she passed and the kids were all young. He denies he has any grief or guilt or other feelings related to his loss. He is an incredible loving man and then every few weeks like clockwork and always around holidays he turns on me like he’s a different person and is so hurtful and mean, he pushes me away accuses me of the most irrational things and definitely has trust issues along with his grief challenges. We’ve broken up so many times because he either pushes me away and is so hurtful I have to remove myself from the situation because he’s being emotionally abusive towards me or he breaks us up because he can’t move forward. One of many examples is how many times we have planned to add on to his house so we can live together and every time things start moving forward with it he cancels it and basically starts an argument with me over nothing in an effort to push me away..
I’ve read every book on dating a widower and even read the ones meant for him, I’ve tried to help him see he’s stuck in his grief and needs to work through it but he denies it and quickly turns on me. His culture is one where they don’t talk about feelings and just live in denial.
I have willingly compromised a lot to be in this relationship for example agreeing to move into his house so his kids don’t have to leave their family home and for 3 yrs dealt with them being mean to me, ignoring me, and basically unwilling to let me in, they are kids and I understand so I have continued to be patient and take it at their pace and now sadly they are ready and accepting but he still isn’t.. it’s really a very sad situation because he deserves to have a wonderful life given all he’s endured and what an amazing man he is and he just won’t allow himself or us to have it. This behavior hasn’t changed in 3 yrs, I went to a counselor to talk about it and he said I should leave the situation given how awful he regularly treats me when he’s grieving. Despite how amazing our relationship is and how many times he apologizes and says he’s ready we keep ending up back at this point and I don’t think it will ever change.
Is there hope? Should I stay when he’s so hurtful towards me regularly and in complete denial of his grief? How will he ever overcome it and be happy in a relationship if he won’t even address it?
Thanks in advance for the advice, it’s hard to even find information online about these types of situations so I appreciate the support.
Suzy, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. I’m sending you a private email.
I have dated a woman for 14 months whom is a widow. She lost her dream husband 2.5 yrs ago to suicide… left 2 young children. I have loved her unconditionally as she healed… giving her my everything . On a hike to mark anniversary of when her husbands body was found she brokedown to depression… hospitalized for 2 weeks and simply sent one message to me oct 30.2020. I am unable to see you right now , im so sorry.
Parents are taking care of her and dont want me by as they want her healed no distractions. Hardest days of my life.. .no texts replied to i send…no calls. Nothing…- hurting
I’m so sorry, Scott. Trying to grieve with young children may have been especially hard on her and the hike was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I know you’re hurting as well. I hope you understand her pulling back isn’t a reflection of who you are. I hope that when she is ready to move forward, if you are available, that the two of you will have a loving, understanding relationship. All the best.
If you wouldn’t mind me sharing…as the story goes I fell for my late husbands close friend which even to us was completely out of the blue but a connection formed. A couple months later he lost his brother and recently father too…both of us bringing crazy emotions and also connection to all that has happened to both of us. You can imagine a sort of rocky road but filled with the most amazing love I never thought I’d experience. The fact that we both knew my husband makes stories and memories more familiar. Though I could never share all of the thoughts that cross my mind…is it hurtful to bring him up?
I don’t think it’ll be hurtful as I’m sure your late spouse’s friend loves him and knows your history together. Happy to read you’ve both found love with each other.
This was fantastic to read and reflect on! thank you! I can totally see myself doing this without realizing. I talk of my late husband often (I have a teenage son, who needs to have conversations involving his dad normalized with my partner) and have asked if it’s okay (I’m always told ‘absolutely!’) but there may be some actions I’m not aware of.
Because of your article, I plan to try to be a little more sensitive to my new partner’s feelings… I love this: “Just as our new guy/girl needs to be respectful of our grief, I’ve learned that my grief needs to be understanding of my new partner.”
Thanks, Heather. So glad you found it helpful.
It’s been a year and 4 months since I lost my husband of twenty one and a half years due to a massive heart attack in front of me. I have people saying I should be dating I have people saying I shouldn’t date thing is I’ve met somebody who started off as a friend but I’m really falling for I have prayed to my husband I prayed to God to send me somebody I’ve haunted dinner with other people but nobody’s knocked my socks off the way Benny does we don’t want to say anything to my family or his family because we’ve got to figure ourselves out but if I mention that I’m afraid of forgetting Tommy he says you spent pretty much 30 years more than most of your life with him you’re never going to forget him he doesn’t want me to forget him if I break down and cry let me hold me and tells me it’s going to be okay that of course I’m still going to love Tommy, Ben he is so kind and so gentle with me we’re taking it slow but could I hit the jackpot twice I am 48 years old and I don’t want to waste a moment of life if anything with Tommy’s dad that is taught me to embrace good things