Here she goes again. Another post about her husband’s death. Another reminder that she’s widowed.
Hasn’t she been widowed for over three years?
Why do we still need to see her wedding photos? And, did she really mention her anniversary? Is it technically her 15th anniversary if he’s dead?
How does she plan to move on with her life when she’s still dwelling on her old life?
People lose loved ones all the time. Heck, I don’t remember dwelling on my aunt’s death this much. I guess she just doesn’t get that death is part of life. We all have to go and the world will keep on spinning. She just needs to get over it.
Why does she have to keep dwelling on his death?
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When I read your comments – like the ones above – I can only be happy for you as it tells me that you’ve never lost a spouse. You’ve been fortunate enough to not see the person with whom you’ve exchanged vows robbed of his health. You’ve never had to sit in a doctor’s office and be told there are no other treatment options. You’ve not had to see the fear in your husband’s eyes as his body fails him. You’ve obviously never had to make a call to close family to tell them your spouse won’t make it through the night and they need to come quickly. You’ve been blessed with not having to hold your spouse’s hand as he fights to stay one more minute, one more hour and needs your ‘permission’ to finally left go; the pain is just too much. You have been spared having to sit down your two little girls and explain why daddy’s not coming home and is now in heaven. You didn’t have to wipe away the tears when your son asked why all his other friends have a dad and he doesn’t.
Lucky you.
You see when we lose a spouse, it’s not just our husbands that get taken from us. Have you heard of secondary losses? You should really look into that. It will help you understand that our losses are like an onion. There are so many layers to this thing called grief.
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(Over 50 journal prompts for the widowed community)
What on the surface to you may just be chalked up to “oh, her husband died”, for us, means funeral arrangements, dealing with in-laws and family dysfunction, children acting out due to the loss of a parent, issues with getting the estate settled, downsizing to a more affordable home, negotiating with creditors, wavering in our faith, losing friends we thought would be there for us, juggling work responsibilities, being at the mercy of repair/maintenance people, frustrations about headstone/memorial markers, lawsuits over the wrongful death, the never-ending paperwork from social security regarding survivor benefits, preparing taxes as a widow, avoiding predators who seek to take advantage of our grief and on and on.
And that’s not even addressing any of the damage done to us mentally, emotionally and physically! The guilt, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the fear, the uncertainty, the frustrations, the weight gain, the jealousy, the weight loss, the insecurity, the shock of discovering that our wonderful husbands had a mistress (or two or three), the drinking, the sleepless nights, the bad/dangerous situations we put ourselves in at times as we try to fill the void, the sleeping pills, the narcotics, the suicidal thoughts/attempts, the inner conflict of being sad though relieved that our caregiving duties – which threatened our own survival – are now over, the judgment from others, the questions of “what if” that continue to swirl in our minds…what if I’d insisted he go to the doctor immediately…what if he’d gone to talk someone about his depression…what if I hadn’t threatened to leave?
So the next time you want to sit behind your computer and tell your widowed Facebook friend to stop “dwelling on the death” when she posts “yet another article about being widowed”, I hope you’ll remember the following five words (no, they won’t contain the “f-bomb” though my widowed sister Michelle Miller over at Mouthy Michelle’s Musings may have those choice words for you):
Until.It.Happens.To.You.
Mom to a feisty preschooler, Kerry Phillips became widowed at age 32. She runs an online support group for young widows and widowers venturing back into the world of dating and is a blogger for The Huffington Post.
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This is amazing. Thank you for being a voice to all my thoughts.
Thanks so much, Shauna
This article is well written and so spot-on. For me, it’s been just over a year now, and well-meaning friends surround me with the advice that “it’s time to move on and get past this.”
And I LOVED your line about the pain of ugly post-death discoveries. Prior to my husband’s death, I thought we were an unusually happy couple. It was after his death that I found out about the many mistresses. That was a whole new layer of devastation. What’s worse, he set up a few booby-traps to make certain that I learned of his many indiscretions. He wanted me to know.
And to top off this multi-layered crap cake, my husband didn’t die a natural death. He put a Glock in his mouth and left a mess – in every way imaginable. I’ve lost my home, my husband, my income, my financial stability, my livelihood, and some might say, my sanity. And “friends”? They fled like the proverbial rats. A handful of TRUE friends have stuck by me, but it’s not been easy for them, either.
How do you “get over” this in a year? You don’t. And sadly, unless you’ve been in my shoes, you don’t have a frickin’ clue how much pain is involved in this loss + betrayal. Not one clue.
Thanks again for the post. It’s beautiful, raw, honest and accurate.
Hugs to you. No one has the right to tell you when to stop grieving. I’m glad you have a supportive group of friends – even if it’s just a handful.
Exactly Kerry! I am widowed 10 years now. (((Hugs))) to you Kerry, and all widows/widowers.
Thanks, Barbara.
Excellence once again.
Thank you!
Thank you!💕
Thanks so much
Oh my goodness, Kerry. This is exactly what someone close to my heart had been dealing with since the passing of her beloved husband. I have seen her be judged by others who could never walk a day in her shoes. I have also been there by her side as she struggled with the ups and downs of the new life that she never wanted or asked for. I cannot wait to go to buy your book this weekend!!!!! This is the first thing that I have read that sums up how she feels!!! Thank you so much, Kerry!!!
Thank you for the kind words, Judy. I’m so happy your best friend has you in her corner.
Brought me to tears. Coming up on the 3 year anniversary of my husbands death, this article hit way to close to my heart and my reality. Thank you.
I appreciate it, Monica. Anniversaries can be especially tough
16 years since my husband’s passing and I still honour the memories of our life together…for myself and our children. This is not something that will ever change but some years are harder than others. Life moves on and so must we but that doesn’t include forgetting our passed loves. Besides, the kids get a kick out of finding out little nuances about their dad. It helps him seem more real to them and they need that. And yeh, it wasn’t all beer and skittles so I share some of that with them too.
Also 5 years since my 2nd husband’s suicide and the life I found out he lead would curl your hair. I so understand the need to get past all that stuff but having taken the time to work through all the crap I am now able to be thankful for all the life-lessons he taught me in life and death. And it wasn’t all bad either. He helped make me the person I am proud of today so I honour him too (some days it’s sucky too!).
I agree. It’s important to keep memories alive, especially for the children.
I’m so glad I found the site. I’ve been a widow for four years and it feels like just yesterday. He died and I discovered his betrayal. I felt like I was walking through a fog. I wanted to pull him from his casket and ask why? We were married twenty years and I had no idea what he was up to until he died. Thank God for my kids, they have been my saving grace.
Discovering betrayal after death is so very hard; so many questions and no answers. Hugs to you
You said it beautifully…widowhood is a shit sandwich.
Nine years for me.
Great way to sum it up indeed!
Its just hard to start over after 43 yrs.
Once again you hit it on the head! I try and not talk or post about it anymore. If it’s not comments its facial expressions! Thanks Kerri!
Older widows have the same struggles. I lost my husband after 57 years of marriage. He has been gone 8 years. Dealing with finances, income, property and making all the decisions by myself is a constant struggle. I still miss him every day. Being alone is an adjustment others do not even begin to understand. Appreciated the article about young widows. Dealing with small children would certainly be a painful, heart wrenching experience. Young widows also have to deal with gossip, unkind remarks and plain stupid people who don’t understand the journey of grief and loss we all experience.